Saturday, 8 May 2010

Sports News

One of the more embarrassing things about being British is the fact that your country invented football. It's a game that seems to have almost everything wrong with it. It's so boring that no-one wants to watch it, but this combined with it's relatively short length (90 minutes) leads to the so-called fans resorting to violence.

Look at cricket. It's just as dull, but a game takes 3 days. Consequently, the spectators know they're in for a long haul and bring ample supplies of food, champagne and condoms. Everything is very civilised, they have breaks for things like afternoon tea, and so no-one gets hurt. Apart from the odd pigeon.

Football, on the other hand, is so short that the only things the "fans" take with them are a 6-pack of lager and some home-made explosives. They've cracked down on the lager, so they drink all of them before they get to the match, which doesn't really help.

Now, however, the game is in the process of being completely turned around. They've managed to replace the players with robots. These robots are almost indistinguishable from their human counterparts, apart from the vastly increased speed at which their brains work. They bumble around the pitch, are as likely to kick each other as they are the ball, and they regularly fall over (this is known in football parlance as "taking a dive").

As you can see from the video, the robotic game is just as dynamic and exciting as the real thing. There's still a lot of work for the boffins to do, though. Now that they've got the players automated (saving millions on expensive salaries which are payed for by expensive TV deals, which in turn are payed for by people who adverts that are in turn payed for by the people who buy those products - beer and cars), they will have to make robot spectators.

This shouldn't be too hard. After all, if football players, who can earn between £1 million and £4 million a year, are not the sharpest knives in the drawer*, what about the spectators, whose average wage is around 2% of the players, and who are suckered out of £80 of it per match?

Think how many man-hours will be saved around the world by the complete roboticisation of football. It's not just the players and the spectators, but riot police and scarce hospital resources. Combined with cheaper beer and cars.


*An example of the kind of intellect the robot players are up against:


Super Happy Girl said...

I for one welcome our new soccer playing robots overlords!

Super Happy Girl said...

But Brian! Look at how gay the cricket dude looks when he throws the ball! C'mon.

Chris Wood said...

Yes yes yes! Go on Brian my son!

Lovely piece. Never understood why 22 guys kicking a ball backwards and forwards was meant to be interesting. I mean, what's in the ball?

Jean Knee said...

I hope PETA sees the appalling death of that pigeon

cricket players are such brutes

Bee said...

I think all sports are boring. All of them. But! I don't want them to replace the players because some of them are soo hot. Hello Mr. Beckham!

Jean Knee said...

The Morning After


Jean Knee said...

okay, you need to get a new post up or email me or something

kathcom said...

That bird was in the wrong place at the wrong time,robots are boring as hell and that footballer sounds like an idiot. I think you've covered everything worth knowing about European sports.