The Story So Far...
During a routine medical check, they discovered that my blood pressure was too high. I pointed out that to the nurses they shouldn't have been squeezing my veins so hard with that thing they wrap round your arm and pump full of air, but they weren't convinced. They extracted some blood, which you might have thought would help ease the pressure, but it didn't do any good. Eventually they decided I should see a doctor.
At the Doctors
Doctor: Says nothing, but looks expectantly at his patient.
BOV: They say I've got to see you about my high blood pressure.
Doctor: checking his patient's blood pressure: Hmmm. 160/88.
Doctor: Yes. Yes. Well, that is rather high. Why is that?
BOV: You're the doctor.
Doctor: Yes. Yes. Hmmm. It was okay in 1998.
BOV: They say that I'm drinking too much and that I'm not getting enough exercise.
Doctor: What do you drink?
Doctor: No, I mean, beer?
BOV: Beer, wine whisky, anything really.
Doctor: Anything you can get your hands on?
BOV: No, I didn't mean... I'm not an alcoholic.
BOV: Look. I'm worried that I'm on the verge of death. I'm sure I'm about to have a heart attack.
Doctor: Yes. Yes. I can see that you are.
BOV: Clutches his chest and stops breathing.
Doctor: I mean, I can see that you're worried. You needn't be, you know. Clicks on the computer. Your risk profile isn't that high. Though they're underestimating your blood pressure. Clicks again. Is there any history of heart disease in your family?
BOV: They all died of heart attacks in their 50s.
Doctor: Oh dear. Yes, that's not good. It raises your risk by 50%. Clicks again. Yes. Yes. Here, you see? You've got about a 15% chance of having a heart attack in the next ten years.
BOV: 15 Percent??? That's the same as a turn of Russian roulette!
Doctor: I'm not sure what a bullet in your brain does to your risk profile. Clicks. Well, cut down on your drinking and come back in three months. If it's still too high we'll give you a pill.
So, I've swapped the demon drink for sparkling water laced with lemon juice. My body is responding to the lack of alcohol by making my sleep patterns even worse than usual. However, I'm still alive, which is something, and instead of worrying about my heart I'm now trying to find out what an overdose of citric acid does to you.