Thursday, 18 February 2010

Doomed

First I have to start with an apology. It's been over a week since I last posted. I know. I should feel really bad about this.

After all, I know that many of you rely on this blog as a source of useful information, of advice and helpful tips on the main burning issues of the day. And I've been amazed by the number of readers who have been asking me how they should be preparing for that most burning of issues. The end of the world. I've lost track of exactly how many of you have asked about this, but it's somewhere between zero and one.

The End is Nigh

If you visit the cinema regularly, you'll know that the End is scheduled to happen on 21st December 2012. There are several totally unrefutable indicators of this.

Out of Time

Firstly, and most importantly, the current Mayan calendar will end on the 20th. Don't listen to the naysayers who point out that the Mayan calendar has ended 11 times already in the past, a bit like our calendar ends every year. They might also mention that the Mayans underestimated the length of a year by about 6 hours, thus questioning the competence of their calendar makers. Some crackpots even suggest their failure to predict that the Spanish would turn up and wreck their civilisation casts doubt on their ability to foresee major events. This is rubbish. Even the Mayans couldn't overlook the End of the World.

The Coming of Nibiru

Then there's an out of control planet that might collide with the Earth on the fated day. It's got some funky-sounding New Age name, which is a sure-fire sign that it means business. Although the scientists are all denying that it even exists, there are plenty of anonymous people on the internet who say that the scientists are being bribed by retailers who don't want to lose vital pre-Christmas sales in 2012. And who would you rather believe?

Cancel Your Insurance Policies

So having proved beyond any doubt that the End is Nigh, what should we do about it? Assuming that the planet Zog, or whatever it's called smashes into the Earth, the answer is nothing. We'll all be wiped out like the dinosaurs. The trouble is, that it might not actually hit us. Which means that we have to assume that we might need to survive beyond the End. After all, you'll feel pretty stupid if you wake up on the 22nd, presumably feeling like shit after all the End of the World Partying, and after you've cursed Fate for making you suffer the one hangover in your life that you thought you were going to avoid, you realise that you haven't got any food left. And more importantly beer.

Every Man for Himself.

Your government isn't going to help you. Bastards. Apparently they want to avoid a mass panic. You might be alright if you live in Norway, since there's a massive bunker-building effort to ensure that all the important Norwegians survive to carry on civilisation. All right, maybe it's not massive. Luckily for those of us who aren't important Norwegians, the anonymous folk on the internet have produced a carefully thought out survival plan.



So there you go. All you have to do is make sure that between now and 2012 you have moved to somehwere inland (with a basement) that doesn't have any trees. Or volcanoes. I'd suggest that you do this sooner rather than later, as property prices in the Sahara will no doubt rocket in the next 2 years. And make sure that you buy a decent kitchen knife. And stockpile green beans and seeds. Popcorn is about to become even more extortionately expensive than it is already.

And invite some friends to stay, to ensure that if you do survive you won't be the only person left on the planet who doesn't speak Norwegian.

Oh, and don't forget a tin-opener.

10 comments:

Jean Knee said...

pah. If there will be no electrical appliances I want to go quickly.

There were some grammatical errors in that video. Should we be concerned?

Brian o vretanos said...

You'll just have to cook with fire, wash your clothes with stones and play board games instead of watching TV.

Clearly the maker of the video isn't a native English speaker. I don't think that invalidates their New Age credentials. Perhaps they're Norwegian...

Jean Knee said...

well if they're Norwegian don't I look silly now

Jean Knee said...

I'm a Native English speaker and I make grammatical errors almost constantly.

should I be concerned?

Brian o vretanos said...

By challenging the accepted norms in the name of art and literary license you are helping the language to evolve. And remember that Shakespeare couldn't even spell his own name correctly.

Just as long as you don't make as many mistakes as spammers or Norwegian New-Age-End-of-The-World-Survival-Video-Makers. Because they're just ignorant foreigners.

Brian o vretanos said...

Admittedly, that video-maker's English is better than my Greek.

Bee said...

I love it when you swear because it makes me proud to be your homie (1990s word for friend).

My aunt's birthday is on December 22nd so I'm sure she'll be plenty pissed if we miss it! Oh yeah and she's a year younger than I am.

kat said...

What would we do without you. Next up I'd like to see "How to Survive the Apocalypse" and "My best friend is a Zombie" posts on here.

Jean Knee said...

wow Bee. I didn't even notice the swearing so I went back.

I think it's only swearing if he said bloody bastards. Is that right Brian?

VE said...

I've been hoarding Twinkies...I'm prepared...