Tuesday 8 June 2010

Something in the Water

Picture by Roger McLassus [License]

Today I finally got round to registering at a new doctor's surgery. It's only taken me 6 years. On the two or three near-death incidents that I've had since then, I've had to drive 8 miles to the old place, whereas this one is 2 minute's walk away from my flat.

There was a form, of course, and in addition they wanted some proof of identity. Photographic ID to prove who I was, and some proof of my address. The only photographic ID I've got is my passport, so I took that. As far as proving where I lived, they wanted what is becoming the standard these days.

In this digital, security conscious age where credit cards and passports contain smart chips, holograms and so on, this proof is none other than the super-secure "recent utility bill". Because it's not like any 10 year old with a word processor could possibly forge one of those. Oh, no.

As I was tearing the flat apart hunting for bills, I was almost tempted to see just how good my all-singing-all-dancing-printer-scanner is. All my bills are paid automatically by Direct Debit, so when letters from the electricity or water people come, I tend to chuck them on a pile. Sadly, there's more than one pile. And every time I need to find something, the piles get disturbed so that the most recent items are not always on the top.

I managed to find a lot from 2008. This was obviously a good year for bills, or maybe I just opened more of them. Then I found one from May 2010, but it was an electricity bill. The problem there is that they always address them to the letting agent rather than me. Even though they have no difficulty taking the money out of my bank account. So I needed a water bill.

Since these bills are apparently all the identity theives need, it was reassuring to know that if they broke in, they'd never find one recent enough. Or perhaps they'd already done that and taken all of the 2010 ones?

Finally, the last envelope on the last pile had a suitably recent letter. I'm not sure what they would have done at the health centre if I couldn't find it. I would have had to explain about my piles, and they would have said that if I had piles I should see a doctor, but not until I'd registered.

As part of the registration process, they get a nurse to examine you. This is normal practice, but I'm scared in case they find something terminal. They also gave me a small container which they want me to fill. "It's only to dip." said the receptionist. I'm not sure what that means - once the water has left my body, I don't really care what they do with it, though I'd advise them to stick to humous or taramasalata.

I suppose this means that I can't go to the pub tomorrow evening (the examination is on Thursday). Though if I did it would save a lot of hassle, as I might as well just fill the container with neat cider, and cut out the middle man (and my digestive system). Alternatively, I could use tap water. I'm tempted to do that and see what they diagnose.

21 comments:

JeanKnee said...

do it, do the tap water, it will be great.

jeanknee said...

I learned today that distilled water will not boil.

Brian o vretanos said...

That's why you should never heat it in a microwave. It gets superheated and then explodes when you stir it.

Jean Knee said...

did you watch Myth Busters? That;s where I saw it

Jean Knee said...

and if you throw a penny off a skyscraper it won't kill you


fascinating

Brian o vretanos said...

Yes, the Myth Busters is my main source of scientific information as well.

Of course you won't get killed if you throw a penny off a skyscraper. Unless you lose your balance. I think the point was that no-one on the street will get killed either.

Brian o vretanos said...

More importantly, if someone gets hit by the penny they'll survive and so be able to sue you.

Jean Knee said...

yes, that's what I meant.

did you think they were gonna nuke the poodle?

I know a roach can go through the microwave and come out unharmed

Brian o vretanos said...

I didn't think they were going to nuke the poodle. I was hoping they would, though.

Jean Knee said...

I thought they were gonna put the fur in or something lame like a model.

Yeah I was hoping the poodle got it.

I hate poodles

Brian o vretanos said...

A model? Like Naomi Campbell in a poodle fur coat? Do they make microwave ovens that are thin enough?

Brian o vretanos said...

The guys that do the "Is it a good idea to microwave this?" videos on youtube nuked Barbie.

Jean Knee said...

yeah, I hate Barbie too

Super Happy Girl said...

HEY! How do you know the first two comments are the "real" Jean Knee? I You could have been talking to a fake Jean Knee Brian!

Super Happy Girl said...

Did you know most of the time I type 'Brain' instead of Brian (just did it again)...maybe there's something in the water.

Some place asked for proof of residence. Why is a recent utility bill so nifty baffles me. Oh whatever, just one more thing I don't get, just like that "It's only to dip" comment.

Brian o vretanos said...

SHG:

If the fake Jean Knee makes another appearance, I'll ask her for a utility bill.

The nurse dipped something (presumably some paper) into the sample to look for glucose or protein, etc. There wasn't any.

Jean Knee said...

you get dipped a lot when you are pregnant

Bee said...

My brother in law needs a bill under his name in order to change his government identification card to my address. I should make him pay the water bill! Thanks for the idea!

So your check up came out okay?

Jean Knee said...

yes, how was "the dip"

you know you can also get a wet mount?

I know

Brian o vretanos said...

The dip thing was fine, apparently. Blood pressure was way too high though :-(

Bee said...

Your BP was too high?? :o(

No more coffee for you!