Weapons of mass destruction

Bari, Italy, Tuesday:

Italian authorities were checking a lorry which had just come off a boat from Patras, Greece. It was full of the usual cargo: loads of oranges, a couple of wooden boxes containing Amraam air-to-air missiles...

Erm, sorry, you did say missiles?

Missiles!

Madre de Dio!

The driver explained that he'd picked up the boxes at the Andravida airbase in Greece. The Italian authorities, excited that they'd foiled a terrorist plan to try and smuggle the missiles, immediately got on the blower to the Greek Air Force. Who were understandably put into a state of panic as they tried to work out whether they'd mislaid the odd deadly weapon or two.


It would be interesting to see just how well organised and efficient the Greek (or any other) Air Force are when it comes to keeping track of their missiles. I don't know, but I'm guessing that there was a lot of frantic checking and counting going on. And some top brass spending rather more time than usual in the Gents.

It's not clear what the perpetrators were supposed to be doing with these air to air missiles. Unless they'd previously smuggled out the odd Phantom II (F-4) jet, or an F-16. Which aren't so easy to hide amongst a load of oranges.

After many hours of alarm and panic, it turned out that the cargo was being shipped to defence contractor EADS in Germany, and that the missiles were actually iron replicas, identical in size and weight to the real thing, which are carried by jets on test flights. They'd been in Greece for some such tests.

I think what I love about this story is the incongruity of missiles amongst a lorry load of oranges. For some reason I have a picture in my head of an air strike, with jets flying low and unloading their terrible arsenal - of citrus fruit. Though it wouldn't be a joke if you got hit on the head by some.

Nevertheless I think that it would be great if the world's military could replace all their soul-less, metal bullets, missiles, bombs, etc. with more edible weapons. It would be a terrible waste when some of the world's population are starving, but it would be the ultimate food fight, and might save lives in the long run.

I can see the future President of the US boarding Air Force 1, along with the special Briefcase. The one that contains all of the launch codes, which one terrible day he (or she) with heavy heart (or drunk, maybe) will use in defence of Freedom to launch the country's custard pies.

Bill Gates testing America's new Secret Weapon

The Kingmaker

[Picture Info]

World Exclusive!

For most office workers, paper clips and other stationery items are just anonymous unexciting objects piled up in an equally anonymous cupboard. They have no idea of the research and dedication that goes into planning the shape of tomorrow's staples. I met Wayne Roolaflicka II, Managing Director of the Office Requisitions Research Group, to find out more...

BOV: They say you put "it" into Requsitions. What's "it"?

WR: Sex, of course! A visit to the office cupboard beats going to a sex shop any day. More people have sex in the office than any other workplace. And 67% of those office lovers use stationery to spice things up.

BOV: I'm sorry, I'm having a difficult time imagining this. Could you elaborate?

WR: Well, just think of the different "non work" ways people use their photocopiers. And then there's string, scissors (blades), tape...

BOV: (interrupting) Okay, I think my imagination's had enough, thankyou. But presumably you're not actually trying to find, er, marital uses for your products. What are you researching?

WR: We're trying to make sure that these items are not only fit for purpose, but that they exceed that purpose. We want people to stop buying "stationery" and instead invest in Office Solutions.

BOV: That's great, but stationery requisitions are always the first thing that companies try to cut back on. How can you get them to buy more and better?

WR: Office Solutions are the tools of your trade. Without them nothing else is possible. Like any craftsman, the office worker chooses tools that will serve him well, won't let him down, will be his trusty companions through thick and thin. I think slowly the corporate world is getting the message.

BOV: But I already have a stapler. How can you make it better?

WR: The Stapler is a perfect example of a product that needs Office Solution Engineering. If it jams too often then it's useless. But if it works too well, or is too safe, then that also causes problems.

BOV: I'm sure most people would prefer something safer and more efficient...

WR: Look, we need to think holistically. Offices can be boring dull places. Those places can kill you, or at least they kill your drive, your thrust, your passion...

BOV: (Interrupting) We've already covered the sex angle...

WR: We all need an element of danger to keep us alert. If they ever invent a "safe" hammer, you might as well send all the carpenters home. They'll not be paying any attention to what they're doing. Same with the stapler. We also need success and triumphs along the route of our office lives, and successfully defurring your mouse, or unjamming your stapler puts something positive into what might otherwise have been a negative failure-ridden day. You go home feeling you've done something right.

BOV: Weren't you responsible for the Microsoft Paper Clip, when you were in charge at the Paper Clip Marketing Board? The one people really hate?

WR: Yeah, well, that didn't quite work out. I think that our willingness to engage with a Corporate Giant like Microsoft in pursuit of Paper Clip Marketing shows how fired up and synergetic we are.

BOV: I'm resisting the urge to get fired up and punch you right now! (takes a moment to calm down). What gives you all this energy? What keeps you going?

WR: The knowledge that tomorrow's world leaders, Captains of industry, future billionaires are starting out in their careers in a little cubicle, wearing a cheap suit, and with a drawer full of staplers, rulers, pens and highlighters. That those humble tools are making future kings. And yeah. That's better than sex. Except when your secretary puts a hole punch...

BOV: (hastily) I think we'll leave it there, thankyou.

Safety in Numbers

An extract from Euclid's Elements

I'm reading "Pythagorean Murders" by Tefkros Michailidis at the moment. It is set in the 1920s, where a mathematician is trying to find out who murdered his friend (a maths teacher). As his friend didn't get out much, this is a bit of a mystery, but it may be that the novel's interludes, which talk about the Pythagoreans thousands of years ago keeping quiet about a terrible secret, have something to do with it.

The Pythagoreans were a little bit odd. They believed in reincarnation, and so did not eat meat, since it was possible that the animal would turn out to be one of their long deceased relatives. They also did not eat beans. I read somewhere years ago that this was because it was also possible that you were reincarnated as a bean.

Pythagoras (top left) with some of his followers.

So far in the book, one of these ancient Greeks has discovered something awful. They don't have enough numbers. They've got numbers like 1,2,3,4, and so on. They also have numbers like 1/2, 78/96, and so on. There are infinitely many of these, so what's the problem?

The problem is that a new recruit to the sect has realised that if he draws a square, say, 1 metre by 1 metre, he can't work out the length of the diagonal. It's none of the numbers I've mentioned. In fact, it's irrational.

This can't be the reason that our guy gets bumped off in the 20s, because even Plato knew about irrational numbers. These aren't numbers that need to see a shrink, or female numbers, or numbers which are odder than odd numbers. They are numbers which can't be written as fractions.

Some of these irrational numbers are transcendental (don't ask). These have nothing to do with Doctor Who, or Oriental Meditation. If I draw a circle, say, 1 metre in diameter, then the circumference will be a transcendental number of metres long.

We also have complex numbers, each of which is part real, and part imaginary. Funnily enough, these are used by engineers, who you'd have thought wouldn't have much imagination. Some groups of numbers are friendly, others amicable or sociable, and a special few are perfect.

I still can't think (imagine?) why someone killed the novel's victim. Maybe it was an irate neighbour, complaining about the smell. He probably ate too many beans and stank out his block of flats. Come to think of it, the Pythagoreans may not have been completely crazy...

Road Signs

Driving back from town this morning, I found myself behind a vehicle that had in large letters on the rear windscreen "Keep Your Distance. Kid's on board." Now, I don't know who "Kid" is, but it was an example of the sort of thing that really pisses me off. I'm not referring to the apostrophe, but the whole message.

Really, I should be grateful. Otherwise how would I know which cars I can happily run into the back of? I was going to drive inconsiderately and dangerously, but now you've drawn my attention to the fact that you might have children in your car, I will be careful.

At least I could read it though. Often they're much smaller, so that you have to get really close to find out that it says "Back Off", or "Baby on Board".

I don't like tailgaters. Tailgaters are total tossers. They don't think about their own safety, let alone anyone else's. I can't imagine that these signs do any good. The most effective solution I've found (short of attaching a flame-thrower to the back of my car) is to slow down suddenly. Using the gears so that the brake lights don't come on. They tend to back off. Way back sometimes.

Talking of brake lights, the other habit I dislike is people stopped at traffic lights who put on their brakes as you approach them. Apparently this is a friendly and helpful indication that they are stationary. Thanks for doing that. Otherwise I'd not have noticed and run into you. I don't feel helped. I feel insulted.

Once I had stopped being pissed off by Mr or Mrs "Kid's on board", it occured to me that there might be money to be made from such signs. How about one with a target, and the words: "Do Me A Favour. Mother In Law on Board"?

Hell on Earth

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas,
Go directly. Do not pass " Go". Do not collect 200 Dollars. - Tom Lehrer

After many months, I finally finished Yiorgos Grammatikakis' "The Autobiography of Light". Towards the end of the book it looks at scientific predictions for the future of the Universe, as well as for the Earth.

Scientists believe that in around 5 billion years time, the Sun will expand into a Red Giant, which may well be so big that it engulfs the Earth. Even if it doesn't, it'll be so hot that we'll all burn. Sounds familiar?

He briefly speculates on things we might do to save the human race. One idea is for us to move onto planets further away from the Sun, the main candidate being Mars. Of course, we'll probably have to move planets in fewer than 5 billion years once we've trashed this one. Once they make Mars inhabitable, property prices here will plummet and all of the "respectable" people will move to a redder neighbourhood.

Mars isn't too bad. The days are almost the same length as here, and by pumping enough greenhouse gasses out they think it's possible to create an atmosphere similar to Earth's. We're experts at the greenhouse gas thing, so that should be okay.

Presumably once Mars is no longer the "in" place, it might be possible to move further out. Even if the planets aren't suitable, maybe their moons will be.

Another possibility, instead of trading in our old planet, we could just move it out of danger. All right, there's not really any "just" about it. Grammatakis suggests diverting an asteroid to push us, but warns that it was an asteroid strike that wiped the dinosaurs out. Maybe they were trying to do the same thing.

If we survive that, then there are all sorts of depressing possible futures for the Universe as a whole (big contraction, big bang, entropy). But scientists still don't really know what will happen there.

All of this is being rather arrogant, anyway. What makes us think that we're likely to be able to survive another 5 billion years? People keep talking of Humans wiping ourselves out, but I'm thinking more about Nature. Something else will evolve that will kill us off. We're good at stopping the big animals, but things like superbugs are out to get us.

So we're all going to die. Well, we kind of knew that anyway, but scientists have a way of making it seem more final and making us realise how helpless we are in the face of Cosmic Forces. It's not science's fault, and I think all these big scale things to do with stars, galaxies, etc is absolutely fascinating.

In the meantime, I can now start my next book. It's a Mathematical Murder Mystery. I did start it before, but left off 1/3 of the way through, so now I'm getting back to it. Hopefully it won't take as long as the last book to find out whodunnit...

Grumpy Old Men

I went to the pub last night. I don't go very often, and it was nice that quite a few people were in there who I hadn't seen for a while, so could catch up with them.

This came at a cost, though. I had too much Guinness, stopped at the Chinese for Beef Satay & Fried Rice on the way home, and wasn' t really up to watching the Aimilia repeat (having missed the main edition earlier).

Anyway, I was up in the night with indigestion. About the only time I ever turn on the UK television is when I can't sleep. They had a compilation of the "Grumpy Old Men" on. This is a programme where they have some 50+ celebrities bemoaning modern life in Britain. It's very entertaining. There is also a "Grumpy Old Women" series too.

The only thing is, I often find myself agreeing with them. I suppose I'm a GOM in training, though of course the "Old" bit is decades away. Here are some of my grumps:

Schoolchildren: They seem to be putting them into positions of "responsiblity" these days. There are policemen, managers, even Government Ministers, who look to me like they should still be at school.

Excessive Safety: Childrens' toys all require a screwdriver to get at the batteries. Plugs on table lamps all have 3 Amp fuses, so that half the time when the bulb blows you have to change the fuse as well. I'm sure people didn't die from 1.5V batteries or blown light bulbs when I was younger.

Beer: They must be putting something in it these days. I used to be able to stay out late, get up early for work the next day, no problem. Nowadays, I just can't.

Language: You can't be grumpy without moaning about aldulterations to our Mother Tongue. Generally I'm all for progress in this area, but I do find one or two Americanisms irritating. "meet with" instead of "meet", and "privacy" pronounced "pr-eye-vacy". Corporate speak is also getting a lot worse. We don't have libraries, we have "Knowledge Centres". We don't do training or courses, we "participate in learning and development events".

Cycles: In an attempt to pretend to be cycle-friendly they've painted useless pink areas all over our roads - in front of traffic lights, so-called "cycle paths". All of which reduces the space available to cars. Then they wonder why there's more congestion...

Television: I'm glad I rarely watch it. They've dumbed it all down so far that I suspect their target audience must be chimpanzees. How much further down the food chain can they go?

However, there was an outstanding triumph last night. I completed the Times Crossword, having only attempted it once in the last 3 months or so. And in less than an hour. At least my brain's not rotting as I slowly mature...

Isobutane

Meet the latest addition to my flat - a fridge freezer! It is actually a gift - after having a conversation at Christmas time about how I was planning this year to finally get round to acquiring a means of storing frozen food, my mother said "Let me buy you one as an early birthday present - get one in the sales." We generally exchange bottles of Scotch on special occasions rather than large domestic appliances, but she was insistent, and here is the result.

Of course, this prompted me to have a look through Wiki on the subject of refrigeration. The results of my research? Practically nothing, I'm afraid. There's loads of stuff about it, but I couldn't understand any of it. Chemistry was never my strong point. One thing I did learn was that they've banned the inert safe refrigerants because of CFCs, and that my new frozen friend has the highly flammable isobutane running through its veins. They don't tell you this in the manual, of course. Well, actually, they do, since they mention "R600a", which is the refrigeration business' name for Isobutane.

Oh well, I wasn't planning to try and smoke it in any case.

So, I went shopping this morning, and in addition to my usual purchases bought a few other things:

Ice Cube Trays - It comes with one, but I'm planning to use a reasonable amount of the stuff, so I've now got another two. I wonder how long it'll be before I do what my mother does and just buy bags of ice cubes from the supermarket?

Bread - I'm forever throwing bread away because being on my own it doesn't always get used up fast enough. At least I used to throw it away, in the dark days before I was able to freeze it.

Peas & Sweetcorn - Peas are better out of the freezer rather than a tin, and again, I won't have any wastage. In addition, they are also essential for first aid - think of all the body parts people have had cut off, but managed to save because they could keep them fresh in a bag of peas.

Fish Fingers & Micro Chips - The above stuff looked too healthy and sensible. It's necessary to maintain a balanced diet, after all

Jaimie Oliver Chopping Board - This has nothing to do with my increased refrigeration capabilities, nor would I normally buy anything branded by a celebrity chef, but they're selling of all the "gift" products at sale prices.

Now that I've written about it, it'll probably develop a fault and blow up. Which will make for a more exciting blog post. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to relaxing this evening with a nice glass of Ouzo. On the rocks.