Saturday, 21 June 2008

Firemen, Cheese Sarnies and Ig Nobel Prizes

Bee's post about her narrow escape from a fiery fate and her close encounter with some allegedly "hot" firemen was very entertaining. Perhaps she should follow the example of the British woman had to be rescued by firefighters from a laundrette when she got her hand stuck in a dryer. It doesn't say whether it was Dryer 13 or not, nor does it say anything about the hotness or otherwise of her rescuers. One word of warning, Bee. They're not always firemen:


Not far away from that laundrette, at the University of Bristol, scientists have come up with an equation for making the perfect cheese sandwich:

W=[1 + ((bd)/6.5)) - s + ((m-2c)/2) + ((v+p)/7t)] (100 + l/100).

Actually, it's an equation to work out how thickly you should cut the cheese once you've decided things like the type of cheese, bread, how much salad, margarine and mayo to use, etc.

I hope that the British Cheese Council, who funded this, are happy with the result. They could have just asked me, of course. My equation would involve strong mature cheddar, pickled onions, Helmann's Mayonaise and a bit of pepper. But what do I know. The scientist who worked out that equation won an Ig Nobel prize for discovering the best way to dunk biscuits in tea.

If he'd asked me, I'd have suggested that he stick to dunking Ginger Nuts in Coffee, which is by far the best way.

Anyway, this got me looking into the Ig Nobel prize. In 1999, the year that Dunking Doctor Fisher picked up his award, the Ig Nobel Prize for Literature was won by the British Standards Institute for their 6 page BS 6008, which describes how to make a cup of tea.


Last year three Spaniards won the Prize for Linguists for discovering that sometimes rats can't tell the difference between someone speaking Japanese backwards and someone speaking Dutch backwards. Clearly research that will change our lives.

I'm hoping that I'll get nominated, just as soon as I publish my forthcoming paper "Analytic Methods for Calculating the Optimal Ingredients of Soy Sauce to Make the Perfect Green Bean Casserole". Unfortunately, I'm having some difficulty getting funding for this important research...

19 comments:

Dan said...

First !

Dan said...

Everyone has diffrent tasts so how can any food be perfect?

Brian o Vretanos said...

Dan:

I totally agree, it's crazy...

Jean Knee said...

your tax dollars hard at work

well it's like that here anyway. morons get Gov't grants to do such inane research

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

More like our Cheese Dollars - It seems that the wonderfully named British Cheese Board (not Council as the BBC said) is an industry organisation.

Even so, one way or another we're paying for this. They don't even seem to have the sandwich recipe on their website.

If you want moronic research, have a look at Wierd Psychology, with research into hot topics such as the antidepressant properties of semen...

Brian o Vretanos said...

Actually my favourite is the one where they show that if you stay married for 25 years you'll resemble your other half...

Jean Knee said...

Oh my gawd that means I'll have a full beard and stache in my old age. Either that or Drew's butt will expand. oh the horror!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

I'm not sure if the study included any bearded couples. You'll have to hope that Drew doesn't go bald...

Bee said...

Hey! In my mind they are ALL men!

So do they keep that formula on their fridge just to be sure they're doing it right?

Bee said...

I clicked on the drier story and this cracks me up "a local rag breathlessly reports"!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Bee:

As well as the formula, they'd also need a device to cut the cheese to exactly the right thickness.

I had a look at some of the other stories on that web-site - they all appear to be true stories, but the headlines and the way they're written is very funny...

Tracy said...

In my opinion, the only reason for a female to become a fireman is to get on the inside so they can look at the hot firemen all day!

I can't believe that those people won awards for that stuff. I should win an award!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Tracy:

As far as I can tell, the female fireman fixation appears to have little to do with the hotness of the actual men themselves, so I imagine that female firefighters don't join up for that reason.

Unfortunately men can't fantasize about being rescued by a firewoman - if she can lift you out of a burning building, she probably resembles one of those female weightlifters. They can look forward to the nurses tending to their needs once they get to hospital, though...

Jean Knee said...

ha, you said cut the cheese, hhee hee

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

Definitely an Americanism - I failed to find it in a decent English dictionary, and had to resort to the web to find out what you were talking about...

Jean Knee said...

hey, you're the one that said it

Dan said...

Once at work I was talking bad about femal fire women and one guy got all pissed off and told me that the women had to pass the same tests as the men....I was later informed that his daughter was a fire woman.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Dan:

I've no problem with firewomen, and of course they should have to pass the same tests as men, I'm just suggesting that men probably wouldn't find them hot...

On a more serious note, Every evening I'm seeing burning forests on the news. In Cyprus, Greece, California, etc. These firefighters are working flat out round the clock at great personal risk to put out fires, a lot of which might be being caused by careless or malicious people. They may not be hot, but they're doing an amazing job...

Jean Knee said...

where's the wordy wednesday??????