Monday, 27 October 2008

My Healthy Eating Fad

I've got an anouncement to make.

I'm going to become a health food fanatic. I've decided that I should eat and drink better food. Food that will hopefully keep me alive and healthier for longer. I have thought about publishing a book on the subject and becoming rich, but that would be selfish, and in any case this particular diet won't need any kind of hard sell.

The reason that people make loads of money out of weird diets is that they are disgusting and don't actually work. Just like the food that they persuade their gullible readers to eat. The prevailing message is that if it's unpleasant it must be good for you.

Now, all of this is about to change. Thanks to the miracle of modern science we can look forward to keeping cancer, diabetes and obesity at bay on a diet of

Beer and Burgers.

Yes, that's right. The boffins have finally come up with something useful. In Britain, they've genetically modified tomatoes to contain cancer-beating chemicals. There is only one slight drawback. They're purple:

Mothers will nag kids of the future, not to eat their greens, but to smother their food in life-giving ketchup. I wonder whether the children will like this, or whether it will make them rebel and insist on pouring a light French dressing over their food instead.

Meanwhile, in Massacheus..., in Massechuset..., in the US, some science students are doing a similar thing with beer. The chemical in question is one that makes red wine good for you. They haven't yet produced the beer, and they didn't say whether it will have to be a psychadelic colour.

I'm hoping that it won't look too bad. I don't think that polka-dot beer would be a good idea, for example. Especially not after you'd had a few and your head was starting to spin. The term "rainbow yawn" would be even more appropriate than it is today.

Obviously this is good news for the license trade, who may well see an end to the trend of fewer people going to pubs, but their current clientelle may not be so pleased. After all, imagine what today are dens of iniquity and guilty pleasures being transformed into healthy eating and drinking centres frequented by all the po-faced humourless health freaks. Where swearing will be considered as anti-social as smoking.

Nevertheless, my mind's made up. No matter what sacrifices I have to make in the pursuit of longevity, I'll stick to my beer and burgers...


for a different kind of girl said...

It's nice there's a little salad on that plate with the burger and fries. There's purple and green ketchup for sale in the grocery stores here, but, even though I'm sure it tastes just like regular ketchup, I can't bring myself to buy it.

Brian o vretanos said...


I like salad, but that one doesn't look very appetising. What got me about that photo was the huge amount of ketchup on it, which looked pretty revolting even before it got turned purple.

I think I'd buy it if it really was going to stop me getting cancer, though...

Tracy said...

Beer and burgers with purple tomatoes?
That's the diet I've been waiting for all my life.
Sign me up too.

Tracy said...

I do have two questions though
1. What is that puddle of stuff on your plate?
2. Why am I still at the bottom of your blog list? Brian, come on. Give in a little. Are you that OCD that you can't move poor Tracy up to third?

Brian o vretanos said...


1. The puddle of stuff is purple ketchup - or, rather, it's an artist's impression of purple ketchup - it was actually normal ketchup.

2. I have no plans to change the layout of my blog. And anyway, what's this about "poor" Tracy???? There's nothing pitiful about you ;-)

Bee said...

"rainbow yawn" BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

And also? If they outlaw swearing, will come get me out of the pokey? Ha ha! I said "pokey"!! I never thought I would.

Chris Wood said...

Brian, you had me worried for a minute. For a horrible moment I thought you were actually going on some kind of lentil binge.

You aren't. Thank god for that.

Beer & burgers are now health foods?

You my friend have a guaranteed place in heaven.

catscratch said...

I would join up, but I don't do burgers.... Now beer, no matter the color, I'll have a try at.

Brian o vretanos said...


If they lock you up and don't give you regular visitation rights with your laptop, then we'll find some way to get you out.


I'm sure too many lentils are bad for the spirit, if not the body, so there's no danger of that. Though my mother used to make a mean lentil curry...


Well, it's actually the tomatoes that are healthy, so you could have hot dogs, or purple pizza.

Jean Knee said...

Hmmmm, all interesting. Did they say anything about Kashi Go Lean?

My hot chocolate says right on the package that it's an antioxident, oh Yeah.

Brian o vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

I'm sure if you covered Kashi Go Lean with ketchup or beer, it'd be fine.

I suppose these anti-oxidents are great if your body's full of oxidents. Personally I'd rather have anti-cancer chemicals ;-)

Bee said...

Damn! I thought I'd be the first one for Wordy Wednesday but I've been denied!

Jean Knee said...

where's wordy wednesday?????

we demand it

Kat said...

Oh yeah I've seen pictures of the violet tomatos...Weird

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