I've got an anouncement to make.
I'm going to become a health food fanatic. I've decided that I should eat and drink better food. Food that will hopefully keep me alive and healthier for longer. I have thought about publishing a book on the subject and becoming rich, but that would be selfish, and in any case this particular diet won't need any kind of hard sell.
The reason that people make loads of money out of weird diets is that they are disgusting and don't actually work. Just like the food that they persuade their gullible readers to eat. The prevailing message is that if it's unpleasant it must be good for you.
Now, all of this is about to change. Thanks to the miracle of modern science we can look forward to keeping cancer, diabetes and obesity at bay on a diet of
Beer and Burgers.
Yes, that's right. The boffins have finally come up with something useful. In Britain, they've genetically modified tomatoes to contain cancer-beating chemicals. There is only one slight drawback. They're purple:
Mothers will nag kids of the future, not to eat their greens, but to smother their food in life-giving ketchup. I wonder whether the children will like this, or whether it will make them rebel and insist on pouring a light French dressing over their food instead.
Meanwhile, in Massacheus..., in Massechuset..., in the US, some science students are doing a similar thing with beer. The chemical in question is one that makes red wine good for you. They haven't yet produced the beer, and they didn't say whether it will have to be a psychadelic colour.
I'm hoping that it won't look too bad. I don't think that polka-dot beer would be a good idea, for example. Especially not after you'd had a few and your head was starting to spin. The term "rainbow yawn" would be even more appropriate than it is today.
Obviously this is good news for the license trade, who may well see an end to the trend of fewer people going to pubs, but their current clientelle may not be so pleased. After all, imagine what today are dens of iniquity and guilty pleasures being transformed into healthy eating and drinking centres frequented by all the po-faced humourless health freaks. Where swearing will be considered as anti-social as smoking.
Nevertheless, my mind's made up. No matter what sacrifices I have to make in the pursuit of longevity, I'll stick to my beer and burgers...