Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Wordy Wednesday: Giga-Bite Eater Net

Hi-Tech Food Fight, 80's Style

They say that the first million is the hardest, and they're not kidding. Whoever they are. Despite a load of money making ideas published on this blog over the last 18 months, I've still got to get into the black financially, never mind notch up that all important 7-figure sum.

They also say things about hungry people being the best at making money. I think they're right about that too, as the idea which is going to make my fortune occurred to me at a moment of extreme food deprivation.

I didn't have any more ready meals in my fridge, so I had to go to the supermarket. By the time I came back and cooked one of my purchases about 45 minutes had elapsed. This is hardly what one would describe as fast food.

Somewhere between the bottles of toilet cleaner and the tins of goose fat I had one of those lightbulb moments. Strangely enough none of my fellow shoppers even blinked at the sudden blinding white flash above my head. Mainly because as usual they were failing to watch where they were pushing their trolleys, so engrossed in working out exactly which combination of special offers on toilet rolls will save them an extra penny or two that they wouldn't even notice the Second Coming.

The best way to ensure an unending supply of instant food would surely be to live in a fast food establishment. Preferably one that I owned. But in order to tempt people away from the competition, it would have to have that special touch. The second flash was so amazing that shards of broken glass fell onto my hair.

We need a fast food outlet for the twenty-first century. A modern, vibrant, technology-embracing customer-facing enterprising offering competitive meal solutions. At least that's what I'll tell the bank when I go and ask them for an investment (not a loan).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Giga-Bite Eater Net. Fast Food for a Fast World. Hi-Tech meets Hi-Calorie. Our Mega-Bite Burger, accompanied by Chips (Dual-Core Chip Upgrade for only 40p) will be our main high-capacity anti-hunger product, but those preferring something lighter will just love our selection of USB devices (Universal Salad Bowl).

On entering, you will be greeted by one of our friendly and efficient Servers. Food Ordering is a Menu-Driven process, although Unix terminals with Command Line Interfaces will be available for those without girlfriends. All forms of electronic payment will be accepted.

It will also be possible to order online. A special toolbar will be available for your browser, known as the Burger Bar. You will be able to enter your food, and then either visit us to pick it up, or have it delivered by our fleet of "CPU" cycles direct to your computer. The latter will be especially helpful for those who can't easily get to their front doors because they're too busy killing zombies or desperately trying to finish their blog post while it's still Wednesday.

Of course, all this will be driven by a desire to feed and be fed, but I also hope that after the first million the next few won't be so hard to come by. After all, food and technology must be a winning combination, surely?

23 comments:

Jean Knee said...

FIRST!!!!

Jean Knee said...

you should really comb that glass out of your hair

Jean Knee said...

well Brian, way to go, you screwed up my Wordless Wednesday.

what do you have to say for yourself???

Brian o vretanos said...

Screwed up? I think you could have phrased that more diplomatically. Something like "your comment brought an unexpected perspective to Wordless Wednesday, but I'm sure you won't mind me correcting one or two misconceptions"

The glass wasn't real, it was figurative glass or allusionary or something. Chris and FADKOG will know the correct terminology.

Brian o vretanos said...

The hair is real, though. Much to Dan's dismay, no doubt.

Jean Knee said...

ouch

Bee said...

Lucky for me, I can find bits and pieces of food lodged in my keyboard so I never go hungry.

Okay, that made me feel pukey.

Jean Knee said...

I ate freakin lettuce sandwiches for lunch

my gawwwwwd how sad

Brian o vretanos said...

Bee:

That's a great marketing idea - I could offer a trade-in discount.

"Bring in a quarter pound of keyboard food and get 5% off a Megabyte Quarter Pounder"

Jean Knee:

That stuff keeps the rabbit population in a state of constant growth, so it can't be all bad. I had lettuce and egg sarnies for lunch.

Brian o vretanos said...

Bee:

Don't tell the bats about your secret food stash...

Jean Knee said...

do you mean faux glass?

no one even knows what you are talking about Brian.

Brian o vretanos said...

I mean, it was something that strictly speaking may not have been there, but was put in to make things clearer. Like a dead fish.

Evidently it didn't work. Which is a pity from the bulb's point of view. Perhaps you were right not to kill another fish after all...

Bee said...

jean knee, I knew right away what the cock was doin'. SOME people just ain't that bright.

Bee said...

I keep losing my connection... NO NOT TO REALITY, BRIAN!!

Jean Knee said...

now he's insulting you.

someone's feeling cocky today

Jean Knee said...

uh oh, he's either at the pub or already in bed.

Kat said...

Good luck with that first million. When you're successful let me know how you did it :)

Bee said...

He's probably watching Columbo and has us on mute, jean knee.

Chris Wood said...

How about downloadable hamburgers? Now that, mate, is the stuff of dreams!

Brian o vretanos said...

Kat:

That's a deal. Don't hold your breath, though.

Bee:

google wasn't really working last night, around the time that you posted your comments. Not that I'm saying it was necessarily your fault...

Chris:

With any luck scientists are working on a fax machine that will send burgers.

Dan said...

Yummy in my tummy. Can you eat there if you don't know much about technology?

Kat said...

You didn't by any chance make that first million and made a run for it? If you did - please come back.

P.S Please come back (also without the money)

Brian o vretanos said...

Kat,

Sadly I've not made any money, nor did I run away anywhere nice. I realise I've been negligent blog-wise, though. I've now rectified this with a new post.