2207: Journey to Cancri

[Picture Credit: NASA]

November 2307

Three centuries ago, people first began to find solar systems that might contain other Earth-like planets, and so might sustain life. Two hundred years ago a spaceship was sent to Selina - the moon around 55 Cancri-f, which it was believed might have extra-terrestrials living on it. Because of the massive distances involved (40 light years), even our fastest ship took almost 100 years to get there. Yesterday it returned, and its crew, who have spent most of the last two centuries in suspended animation, have given us the following account of their exciting journey:

On November 12th 2207 the computer defrosted us - 2 days before our ETA. This gave us time for a shave and hair cut (for some wierd reason your hair keeps growing, even in the freezer - 100 years worth of beard is quite something), and to prepare ourselves for what could be a difficult situation. After all, they might decide we were enemies and attack us.

We had few ideas of what these aliens might be like. All the scientists could say is that it was "probable" that there would be "sentient life". It was also probable that there might just be vegetable life.

In the 20th Century, there had been speculation about "Flashy Light Aliens", who travelled on light beams, but it never really got to be more than speculation. Although somewhere in Chicago there is still a small group of FLA believers - but then, any large city has its share of such people (usually looked after very well in our modern institutions).

The first thing we had to do was to check all the radio frequencies for evidence of attempts to communicate with us. And straight away we found something! Our first contact with the aliens! They were sending television pictures. These looked like old Earth daytime TV, though we didn't recognise any of the programmes, so it must have been before our time ("Jean Knee's Horror Hour", for example, was a programme in which the presenter got a different outrageous hairdo every episode).

This was so exciting! We were going to get to meet something a bit more sophisticated than plant life! A civilisation that was advanced enough to have radio, and to have been watching us! I hoped that their familiarity with our ways wouldn't make them hostile..

We concluded that they must view us as friends, and that they were trying to make us feel at home. Alternatively, they might just be trying to lure us into a false sense of security before blasting us into eternity.

As we got nearer, we could not detect any signs of defence systems. Nor did the aliens appear to want to talk to us - they didn't answer any of our radio messages. The silence, was, as they say, deafening. I would rather that they had fired some warning shots, or told us to go away, or whatever.

Finally the big day came. We had picked an area we thought would be sparsely populated, and touched down. We got into our Rover All-Terrain Vehicle, and drove around looking for any signs of life.

We drove for hours, and found nothing. Darkness was beginning to fall when we saw it. Light! At first we thought it was just a trick of the, erm, light, but as we got nearer we realised that it was indeed artificial.

It's impossible to describe our feelings at this point. Hope. Fear. Terror that we were the human race's ambassadors, and that one wrong action might start an interstellar war that could wipe out civilisation.

we headed towards it. It was some kind of cuboid-shaped construction. Inside this building was going to be the beginning of a new chapter in Earth history. As we got nearer, we noticed something extremely unnerving -

To be continued...

All Because of Green Beans...

Battleship Potemkin, 1925

I've been thinking about revolution, and the failure of the capitalist system. I've always thought that food distribution is one of the great success stories of the Free Market Economy - anything you need is always available - none of the queuing that we used to see in the USSR.

But now, things are getting beyond a joke. Yet another local supermarket has run out of green beans. How are we going to manage? I had to hunt far and wide just to put a nourishing Green Bean Casserole on my daughter's plate. Maybe it's time that the people revolted against a system that is failing us.

After all, that's what they do in Battleship Potemkin. Some of the sailors don't like their soup (the meat's so old it's starting to come back to life), and so they hold a glorious communist revolution to take over the ship.

Faced with mutiny and with hoards of revolting soup-starved sailors, the officers fight back, killing one of the crew. "All because of the soup", we're told. Actually, all because the officers are facing death at the hands of an angry mob.

At which point you may be wondering why they've got such wide steps on a battleship, but the picture above comes from the famous "Odessa Steps" scene, where the ship has docked, and the evil Tsarist authorities decide to massacre all the innocent women and children to stop the revolution spreading.

All because of the soup. I wonder if they had green beans in Revolutionary Russia?

The film is depressing because having had this great revolution in the name of freedom against oppression, the ringleaders take charge and start ordering the crew about, and you know that they're going to have just as bad a time under the new regime.

Incidentally, if anyone mentions "Battleship Potemkin" be sure to comment favourably on "Eisenstein's use of montage", and how it influenced generations of film-makers. That'll save you the trouble of sitting through it - it really is a depressing bit of Communist propaganda about the 1905 revolution. That they didn't even win (though they miss out the bit about losing in the film).

So perhaps instead of instigating the great Green Bean Revolt, I should just get a freezer and stockpile enough frozen ones (which are still available) to get me through a long beanless winter.

Incidentally, this weekend's Green Bean Casserole looked more like the real thing (crispy onions), and Helena's verdict was that it's not as nice, so it's back to mushy onions next time - after all, I wouldn't want to drive my daughter into staging a revolution...

1972

Exclusive - The Story They Didn't Want You to Read!

In 1972 something major happened. "They" don't want you to know this. In fact, it it weren't for a dedicated group of brave individuals, you wouldn't be reading this now. This is their story.

The only thing that no-one denies is that in 1972 strange flashing lights were observed. These lights cannot be explained by any known phenomenon. They were particularly noticeable over the town of Foston, CA. You may not have heard of this town. That's because nobody lives there anymore. It doesn't exist on any map published after 1972.

One group of people won't let this story be forgotten. Although with time the surviving witness are dwindling in numbers, there are still a few carrying forward the attempt to explain just what happened. Aloysius Cranque is the President of FLAIR - "Flashy Light Alien Investigative Researchers". He explains:

"They didn't want anyone to know. This was the first authenticated attempt of an alien life form to make contact, and they are trying to cover it up. But we're determined to find the truth... Yes nurse, I'm just coming..."

Nevertheless, there is one photograph of that fateful event, which is shown above. You can clearly see the light, and that it's not man-made. Studies of the photo have been made to discover the direction of the light. By correlating these calculations, and using old maps, it has been possible to work out that the light was aimed at the old church. Computer simulations prove that the light beam would have fallen on a sign outside. Specifically on the words "Every Sunday".

I went to see Dr Del Treemens PhD, a scientist and founder member of FLAIR. We met in a bar. He was very nervous about talking to an outsider, and his hand shook as he drank his Bourbon. He explained his theory that the light was the way that the aliens travelled.

"You see, nothing can travel as fast as light, so they use light to travel. It's simple physics, really." He paused as he'd run out of liquor. I motioned to the bartender who got him a fresh bottle.

"They shine themsleves into the light beam."

"Why haven't they been back? What's the message about Sunday mean?"

"Well, I have a theory about that too. The Sun shines during the day, so to them Sunday just meant the day time. So they've been visiting us every day. Because of the daylight, we don't see the flashes."

Of course, "mainstream" scientists refuse to back up Dr. Treemens. Almost certainly they're worried about losing lucrative Goverment science grants. Nevertheless, FLAIR are continuing their work, keen to welcome the aliens, or to find out where they came from.

In recent days there has been discussion of whether the system 55 Cancri, 40 light years away, might have planets or moons capable of sustaining life. Maybe we're on the verge of finding our friends. Perhaps one day we can visit them. Hopefully they'll be more hospitable than us.

Rich Food

Do you have a sweet tooth? Although I do like to have sweet things, dessert is very much an optional extra. I know people (my ex-MIL, for example) who would happily forget the rest of a meal and go for the pud, but not me.

You probably saw the story a couple of days ago - A restaurant in New York has unveilled a new dessert. If you have a special occaision coming up, you might want to try and persuade your other half to buy you one - I'm sure they'll do deliveries for a reasonable charge.

The dessert in question costs $25,000 and is laced with edible gold. Jean Knee, who walked out of a restaurant with a plate, will be pleased to note that she'll be expected to take the spoon with her (though I suspect it doesn't really go with the plate).

If your budget doesn't stretch that far, then there are cheaper options - the ice cream sundae is priced at a very reasonable $1,000.

Presumably someone would only buy the record-breaking sweet in order to impress their "friends".

But, supposing that you ordered it, took a mouthful and didn't like it? It would be unfortunate if you had to spit it out. "You mean you don't like the taste of gold?", your friends would gasp. So my advice is that if you ever do end up getting this, don't touch it. Say you're not hungry, pay the bill and leave. Don't even take the spoon. That would be even more impressive...

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Man Friday: Cary Grant

Cary Grant & Rosalind Russell
"His Girl Friday" (1940)

Cary Grant (Born Archibald Leach, Bristol 1904, Died Iowa 1986) does not need any introduction, being one of the most famous film stars ever.

He started off as an acrobat, and got into films whilst the company he was with were touring the US. Early films of his that are worth watching include, of course, Mae West's "She Done Him Wrong", and "She's No Angel". At that stage he hadn't quite perfected the "Cary Grant" character that he was going to spend the next 30-odd years playing.

A lot of the films that he made in the 30s and 40s were screwball comedies, such as "Arsenic and Old Lace", or "Bringing Up Baby" (one of Helena's favourites). However in 1941, looking for a change, he starred in Alfred Hitchcock's film "Suspicion". Unfortunately, as with Ivor Novello in "The Lodger" the studio bosses wouldn't let his character be the murderer as intended, and the ending had to be altered. (Hitchcock finally got to make a film where the hero was the villain the following year, with Joe Cotton in "Shadow of a Doubt").

CG made another 3 films with AH - "Notorious", "To Catch a Thief", and "North By Northwest".

My favourite of his films is currently "Only Angels Have Wings", in which like "An Affair to Remember", or "The Grass is Greener" he has a more serious part.

Helena's current obsession is watching him and Myrna Loy in "Mr Blandings Builds His Dream House" (she's insisted on watching it the last 3 weekends in a row) - this is a gentle comedy. The plot is in the title...

I'm not sure why he's such a popular actor. It must be because we like the character that he plays (it's always the same one, after all). I'm not sure how many hours I've spent in total watching his films, and I've probably not seen half of them yet, but none of that time has been wasted.

Please Do Not Adjust your Set

Apparently the Writer's Guild of America have gone on strike, forcing the cancellation of many US TV shows, with reruns being scheduled instead.

As a mark of solidarity with my fellow writers, I have decided that I will take action on this blog. You will no doubt notice the reduction in the quality of my prose (What! Did I hear someone say "Same old drivel"???), and I will not be coming up with any original ideas for the duration.

The strike is a good thing from my point of view, because my blogging activities have meant that I'm not getting through CSI DVDs so quickly. This will hopefully give me a chance to catch up.

I believe that they're planning to replace the US version of "The Office" with the UK one. Now, I never thought much of that programme and have never seen the US one, but of course the original has to be far better (it's British after all), so I'm very pleased for American Office fans.

One thing I do think is strange is the fact that the late night "comedy" shows such as David Letterman are affected. You mean they write that stuff beforehand? If I was a scriptwriter I don't think I'd want to admit to that. Anyway, surely the likes of DL have enough talent that they could just wing it for a bit? Maybe not... In any case, viewers probably won't notice that they're getting reruns.

Which gives me an idea - why do I go to all this trouble to write posts when I could recycle some old articles from elsewhere with the names changed? I bet no-one would realise. Especially if I bunged in some "Art" pictures. Oh, don't worry, the artists haven't gone on strike yet.

Don't forget to tune in for tomorrow's thrilling installment: "An Apple a Day Keeps you Burping Away". Complete with an artisic picture of Adam and Eve...

Mirror, Mirror...

A poll has been done which shows that Brits (both men and women) look at themselves in the mirror on average every 30 minutes. For some reason, Liverpudlian women are even worse - they gaze at their reflections twice as often.

I wonder what question they actually asked? And why? I mean, did some Gallup employee wake up one morning and think "How often do people look in mirrors"? Also, who did they ask? As usual, no-one was interested in my opinion.

I'm certain that I don't look more than 3 or 4 times a day. I don't like my reflection. They say that people don't like photos of themselves because they're used to seeing their mirror image. I'm the opposite, I don't think my photographed features look as bad as the "real" thing.

I don't know whether they've done this yet, but with cameras in mobile devices, it's easy to have an electronic mirror. All it has to do is to display the mirror image of what the camera sees.

People centuries ago did it better, though. Since they didn't have photos or camera phones they relied on painters to capture their image. The painters found they could make more money by painting the subject the way they'd like to look, rather than truthfully. Well, surely we have the technology to make our electronic mirror produce a more flattering image? Perhaps remove some weight, the odd chin, and so on?

This would be great, but unfortunately it wouldn't solve the real problem, which is that I want everyone else to see the flattering version of me as well. Witches can do this by casting magic spells so that men see an Angelina Jolie lookalike instead of a middle-aged green hag, but for the rest of us it's not so easy.

Having said that, it is possible to fool some of the people - I have to confess at this point that the photos of the amazingly handsome chap that I've been passing off as me, are actually someone else's. But please don't tell anyone. I wouldn't want to spoil their illusions. Or mine.

Which reminds me, I should remove the mirror from my bathroom. It's cracked, anyway...