BOV Unplugged

I was given an early release from my house arrest, due to good behaviour, no doubt, when my wireless internet thingy was delivered at 9am.

I realised that it would be a little difficult to make sure that it was working properly without a laptop, so I ended up taking a trip to the computer shop. Having spent several hours messing around with setups, and installing all the software I need, I am now sitting on my sofa writing this.

The main justification for buying a second computer was that I spend so much of my time on it, I don't spend a lot of time sitting on my comfortable sofa, or in my nice armchair, but instead on an office chair, the same as I do at work. When I'm reading the paper online, or watching Emilia, it seems a shame not to be able to do so in comfort.

The new machine is more powerful than my other one - that's a year's worth of technological advance for you. It's black with light grey keys - the colour scheme paid no part in my choice at all, I'm afraid.

The main important thing that I've still got to do is to decide on a suitable background. That'll probably take longer than all the other setting up...

Health Corner

In view of the fact that Bee is sick, I decided to postpone the "surprise balloon" post and the Vertigo tribute and instead offer some health advice on how to beat Chiropteronic Influenza, commonly known as "Bat Flu".

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So here are my top tips:

Drink Plenty - All the experts are agreed that a large intake of fluids is a good thing.

Lemon Remedies - These soothe and are a good source of citric acid and vitamins.

Rest - Try and do as little as possible.

Warmth - Again, experts are unanimous on the need for extra warmth.

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All of which can be summarised as follows:

Drink a large amount of cocktails, each with slices of lemon (a twist of lime won't hurt either), hold the ice, add some fire, and get someone else to make them for you.

Something like this, perhaps:

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The great thing is that whether it works or not, after you've had a few you'll be beyond caring.

Oh, and try to avoid too much excitement. This may mean restricting blog reading to the more serious ones - such as this one.

House Arrest

I've recieved an invitation to an important party at the weekend. A train party. From Tracy who will be representing me at a variety of celebrity dinner parties. Not only is a train party not a celebrity dinner party, but because it's a children's birthday party there is unlikely to be the temptation of champagne. Or caviar. But there will be trains, which should be fun.

Nevertheless I will be unable to go, owing, as they say, to a prior engagement.

With the coming of Spring to Chicago, I have every expectation that we will finally get to go to that barbecue that Bee has been promising to lay on for us, but was forced to cancel owing to inclement weather. However, I will be absent.

I will also have to ask my ex to bring Helena round this weekend, as I won't be able to leave my flat between the hours of 7 am and 7 pm.

All because the nice lady at my ISP said she could save me £3 a month.

I phoned because they keep charging me an extra Pound or so every month for exceeding my download limit. This is due to all the Cypriot TV that I'm streaming off the internet. I don't mind this extra - it's cheaper than paying £6 more for unlimited downloads, but I was checking that my ISP doesn't mind me going over my limit all the time. They said it was fine, but actually if I start a new contract they'll reduce my payments by £3 and send me a modem with wireless capability.

This will be useful for when I eventually get a laptop, but is also the reason for my forced captivity this Saturday.

In the past, they've sent things like this by Royal Mail. Amazingly, since I work all day (how thoughtless of me), I'm never around when they deliver the parcels, so they take them to their depot for me to collect at my convenience.

But now my ISP has decided to start using another parcel company. They came round on Monday, but I was out. So they came round this morning, and I still wasn't around. They left a card saying that I could arrange for one more attempt at a delivery, after which time the parcel will be returned to sender. So I phoned.

"Don't you have a neighbour who can take delivery?", asked the lady. What? One that doesn't mind staying at home between 7am until I finish work? All my neighbours work as well.

However, all was not lost as they do Saturday deliveries. Hence my inability to go to all those wonderful parties.

It seems worrying that home delivery is getting more difficult and not easier. After all, we're told that Internet shopping is the future. And also that in the interests of sexual equality more women will be forced to work against their will, and so there'll be no-one around to take delivery of all these parcels.

All they have to do now is to find a way to deliver things via the internet, and it'll be fine.

Lead me into Temptation

"Luncheon With Oysters" (de Troy)

Today is "Kathara Devtera", or "Pure Monday", the day when the Orthodox Lent begins.

One of the advantages of not being religious is not having to give things up, but nevertheless, in keeping with the spirit of the Season, here is my list of luxuries that I won't be partaking of during this period:

1. Expensive Holiday: It would clearly not be very respectful to go off on a cruise, or spend time in a 5 start hotel in Honolulu, so I won't.

2. Caviar: A wasteful extravagance.

3. Champagne: I'll drink Cava instead.

4. Celebrity Dinner Parties: Although it will be a great disappointment, I shall not be accepting any invitations for the next 40 days.

5. Gold-Embroidered Swimwear. This will have to wait, I'm afraid.

6. Fast Cars: I won't be buying a sports car.

Of course, it's not enough to give up these things. One also has to resist all temptation. I would therefore be very grateful if you could each try and tempt me with offers of free holidays, Champagne (don't worry about splashing out on caviar or swimwear). Either I will remain Saintly and steadfast, in which case you will have the satisfaction of seeing what a great person I am, or I'll cave in, in which case you will be able to feel holier than me.

Come on, have a go...

Fashion Page

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Reading Bee's eulogy of Vinny has made me realise that my readers could benefit from some more Cosmopolitan posts, in both senses of the word.

With Spring rapidly approaching (well, maybe not so rapidly for some), women are now looking at building up their wardrobe ready for next Winter. At which point, many fashion articles look at what the big designers have been showing on the catwalk (at least I'm assuming that's what they do, I've never read any). This is of course the whole purpose of the fashion show. Not to inform people about the latest trends in clothes they will actually wear, because unfortunately those off-the-nipple numbers never seem to find their way onto our streets, but to give fashion journalists something to write about.

Because ultimately, clothes "design" is a bit boring. Clothes are made to fit people, which means that they have to be the same shape as the bit they are being worn on. Since people don't grow extra arms or change drastically every year, fashion designers would all be unemployed. So, they have fashion shows.

So here are my top tips for what will be in next winter. Unless you live in Australia.

Wool - This is always a good bet. Natural and warm, and it comes in lots of colours, which is very important if you're a woman.

Coats - People tend to underrate coats as fashion items, ever since the anti-fur lobby started up. However, I think that lots of people will be wearing them this winter, so unless you want to look unfashionable, and cold, I suggest you invest in one. Preferably full length. The great thing about long coats is that you don't need to worry about colour-coordination, since they cover up whatever else you're wearing.

Sensible Boots - I'm predicting that heels will be pretty much out, especially on snowy and icy days. Except for in the Casualty Units.

Gloves - These are hated by the big designers, since unfortunately there's only one shape that works. The one that looks just like a hand. Nevertheless they continue to be a mainstay of the winter clothing industry.

No doubt Vinny will have other ideas - hopefully Bee will continue to provide us with snippets from that Sage. However, I think it's a fair bet that the following will NOT be all the rage next Winter (because smoking is just so last century):

If you're going to show off clothes like this, why not pick better shaped women? But then, what do I know?

Motorless

Honore Daumier, The Omnibus, 1864

It's the time of year when I have to spend money on my car. It's now about 5 years old, and so the tax ran out at the end of last month. Getting a new tax disk used to involve queuing at the dreaded Post Office, but these days it's done over the phone and they post it to you. A few weeks after the tax runs out, so does my MOT (a test of roadworthiness must be done annually on cars over 3 years old), and while I'm at it I get its annual service done.

A couple of weeks ago I tried to drive over something that was too high and scraped the bottom of the car. I haven't driven it since, because I didn't know whether anything serious was damaged, or what the consequences of driving around without the large pieces that got ripped off the underside.

Since I don't use the car daily anyway, I decided just to wait until the service to get it looked at. They've had a look today and luckily the damage isn't expensive.

As usual when I'm deprived of my car for any length of time (last year a warning light started coming on in January, so I only used it sparingly until March), I start to wonder if it's worth keeping a set of wheels.

Not having a car is a viable option in this country. They build things called pavements here. I believe that there is an equivalent American word "Sidewalk", although I've rarely managed to walk anywhere in the US. I happily walk the 40 minutes to and from our town centre if I go there to meet people for a drink.

Together with internet shopping, you can manage okay. In fact I know several carless households. Admittedly most of them don't have children. That's only viable for SAHMs who don't have the inevitable long round trip between work, school and home.

I'm sure I'd save money. No tax, insurance, MOTs, maintenance, repairs. I could hire a car the odd time I needed one, and use public transport. Busses stop right outside my flat - Helena and I got one the other day, one of the rare times.

So what am I waiting for? What's stopping me putting an advert on Dan's blog. "5 year old Skoda. Low mileage. One careless owner"?

The truth is that I like the convenience. I like going to the supermarket - I don't want to do internet shopping for groceries. I like being able to ferry Helena around - that way I don't have to spend 30 minutes - 1 hour per weekend wasting my life waiting for my ex to arrive (she's never on time).

And I like my car. It's had a few knocks (only with solid stationary objects, no other vehicles), but I've had it since it was new, it's hardly ever been driven by anyone else, and it represents my freedom. By Friday it'll have a new MOT, a new underside, and will hopefully give me another year of trouble-free motoring. Maybe I'll ditch it next year...

New Governments

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Yesterday, the new Government of Cyprus were sworn in and took up their ministerial positions.

I am pleased to announce that the senior posts in our forthcoming dictatorship have also been finalised. The following people will be running the world just as soon as we can organise a take-over.

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Supreme Tyrant: Dan

Dan, as he prefers to be known, will assume the title of "The People's Ruler". He will be a benign dictator, always ready to put the Ordinary Man in the Street at his ease; Always a joke and a smile for those he condemns to a hideously painful death. An expert crowd pleaser, Dan hopes that his popularity will make his rule a long and a happy one.

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Propaganda Minister: Bee

Bee has had a difficult time, suffering with a split personality, and living in the shadow of her illustrious brother Dan. And no doubt, some people will suggest that her meteoric rise to High Office is as a result of family connections. But they won't dare say it to her.

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Finance Minister: Tracy

Tracy has long been proactive as an advocate of consumer power. She will ensure that there are affordable and plentiful stocks of the most necessary items, such as Rum Soaked Raisins, Tiddy Bears and Girlfriend cushions. She'll also be the paid double rates, since Bee will be working for the sheer pleasure, and not for any money.

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Minister for Education, the Arts and the Environment (with special responsibility for Bon Bon Tasting): Jean Knee

A tireless cultural hard-liner (she believes that opera should be a compulsory part of the kindergarten curriculum), and eco-warrior (a devoted disciple of "Father" Al Gore), the public will embrace her values and ideals wholeheartedly. Or else she'll get scary. In a nice way, of course.

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There are a few other places, if anyone else wants to enter the realm of Public Office. Simply get in touch with me or any of the above with a suitably large bribe, erm, I mean, donation to public funds, and we'll see what we can do.