Tuesday, 11 March 2008

House Arrest


I've recieved an invitation to an important party at the weekend. A train party. From Tracy who will be representing me at a variety of celebrity dinner parties. Not only is a train party not a celebrity dinner party, but because it's a children's birthday party there is unlikely to be the temptation of champagne. Or caviar. But there will be trains, which should be fun.

Nevertheless I will be unable to go, owing, as they say, to a prior engagement.

With the coming of Spring to Chicago, I have every expectation that we will finally get to go to that barbecue that Bee has been promising to lay on for us, but was forced to cancel owing to inclement weather. However, I will be absent.

I will also have to ask my ex to bring Helena round this weekend, as I won't be able to leave my flat between the hours of 7 am and 7 pm.

All because the nice lady at my ISP said she could save me £3 a month.

I phoned because they keep charging me an extra Pound or so every month for exceeding my download limit. This is due to all the Cypriot TV that I'm streaming off the internet. I don't mind this extra - it's cheaper than paying £6 more for unlimited downloads, but I was checking that my ISP doesn't mind me going over my limit all the time. They said it was fine, but actually if I start a new contract they'll reduce my payments by £3 and send me a modem with wireless capability.

This will be useful for when I eventually get a laptop, but is also the reason for my forced captivity this Saturday.

In the past, they've sent things like this by Royal Mail. Amazingly, since I work all day (how thoughtless of me), I'm never around when they deliver the parcels, so they take them to their depot for me to collect at my convenience.

But now my ISP has decided to start using another parcel company. They came round on Monday, but I was out. So they came round this morning, and I still wasn't around. They left a card saying that I could arrange for one more attempt at a delivery, after which time the parcel will be returned to sender. So I phoned.

"Don't you have a neighbour who can take delivery?", asked the lady. What? One that doesn't mind staying at home between 7am until I finish work? All my neighbours work as well.

However, all was not lost as they do Saturday deliveries. Hence my inability to go to all those wonderful parties.

It seems worrying that home delivery is getting more difficult and not easier. After all, we're told that Internet shopping is the future. And also that in the interests of sexual equality more women will be forced to work against their will, and so there'll be no-one around to take delivery of all these parcels.

All they have to do now is to find a way to deliver things via the internet, and it'll be fine.

30 comments:

Tracy said...

Well, as disappointed as I am to find out that you won't be attending the party that you asked if you could come to (not that I'm bitter or anything) I completely understand why you can't make it. Home delivery has become increasingly more difficult. We ordered new cellphones and they were to come via FedEx. Usually they leave the parcels on the front porch and I go out and get them at my disposal. But the other day I was woke up from a much needed nap by loud banging on my front door. It was the FedEx woman who wasn't going to leave the package unless it was signed for. It was all very rude.
I'm sorry you can't make it.

Tracy said...

Oh shoot. I was first and didn't even realise it.
Well...
FIRST.....Nananaboo boo!

Dan said...

Seems like a good reason to miss the train party.

Dan said...

the 12 hour window is insane!!
There needs to be a law about that, it should only be like two hours.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Tracy:

Congratulations! First!

Delivery companies have increasing problems with people claiming that items have been stolen when they were left, so they get people to sign for them.

I'm sure that the answer is for them to give up delivering to houses unless specifically asked, and to have distribution depots where you pick things up.

Dan:

12 hours is mad. I once waited between 9 and 9 for a bed. It came just before 9, the last delivery of the day. It was when I first moved here and I needed the bed for Helena's first visit the next day. So I started to assemble it straight away, only to find there was a part missing, so the delivery guy, who was on his way home (a couple of hours drive away) had to turn round and come back...

Some companies will get the driver to phone you 10 or 15 minutes ahead of , and I can get back from work in that kind of time. I had my sofa delivered like that - a lot better than having to take a day off work!

Jean Knee said...

all our packages are left (thrown?) on the front porch. They never ring the bell

Bee said...

I don't like it when these things happen behind my back! Now I can't leave a comment because I'm half an hour passed my bed time!

That's it. I'm gonna post at all hours of the day and not tell anybody!

Oh. Then I wouldn't have any visitors...

I'll think up a new plan and NOT let you guys know about it!

hmmmpff! >:o[

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

You're lucky. Unfortunately my flat doesn't have a front porch ;-)

Brian o Vretanos said...

Bee:

I think you might need to replace Scarlet with something more up to date.

I'll try and remember to notify Reuters next time...

Bee said...

Look Brian, I let you say all sorts of lies about me like I'm not a lady and all that other gunk but I will not stand erm sit here and let you speak ill of my Scarlett!

Just for that, you will now be invited to Nancy's baby shower (party for expecting mothers) please bring a play pen. For the baby.

Jean Knee said...

oh my gawwd Brian. attending a baby shower is as bad as it gets.


I hope you learn from this.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

You were eleventh!

Bee:

They won't let me in as I'm not an expectant mother. I am however an expectant recipient of a parcel, and as I explained this means that I may have to reluctantly turn down some exciting social events.

However, I take back what I said about Scarlett - it must have been human error ;-)

Bee said...

Don't worry Brian, we'd make an exception and you could still come. It won't be until May so your parcel should be there by then.

Brian o Vretanos said...

May? I'm sure there's another one coming around then. Excuse me, I have to go and do some of that internet shopping ;-)

Jean Knee said...

Make sure to play a buncha dippy games and pass the gifts around two or three times.

Jean Knee said...

make him do that one wher you try to put a diaper (the cloth kind with pins) on a balloon

Jean Knee said...

P.S. 11 th

Bee said...

I AM DEATHLY TERRIFIED OF BALLOONS...
They are my Kryptonite.

Oh, don't tell anyone because they'll use them to destroy me.

Brian o Vretanos said...

I assume that there won't be a great deal of alcohol at this shower? In which case I'll bring plenty... and get well tanked up before hand. That way even the nappy thing won't cause me any stress.

Bee:

Your secret's (probably) safe with us...












BANG!






Sorry, couldn't resist...

Jean Knee said...

it's probably not safe with me either.

Bee said...

Make funny of me all you want but it's a real phobia. It's called "Globophobia", it's true. That's funny cuz Globo is balloon in Spanish.
Anyway, imagine not being able to go to kids parties. Imagine not being able to go to any parties... hey! That should be my excuse always! Be right back.

Bee said...

I meant to say "make FUN" not make funny.

Jean Knee said...

I'm afraid of heights, that's why I never climb mountains.


Hey Brian here's one for you


SPIDER BEHIND YOU!!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Bee:

Perhaps "fouskaphobia" would have been better, but they didn't think to ask me...

My ex has a mild form of this. It's not surprising that people are afraid of them.

Jean Knee:

After a spider free few months I saw one in my bedroom this morning. :-(

Brian o Vretanos said...

I won't inflate balloons because I get so worried they're going to pop. They always seem to put them in children's party bags, and I've always refused to blow them up for Helena.

I don't really like being around others when they're blowing them up, though that's never stopped me creeping up behind them and shouting "BANG!" ;-)

Jean Knee said...

I love balloons, but I don't want them popping near me

I love spiders but don't want them biting me


I hate heights. period

Jean Knee said...

doesn't everyone find me as fascinating as I find myself??


prolly shouldn't answer that

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

[Looking up from my newspaper]

No-one finds you as fascinating as you do. That doesn't mean that we aren't fascinated by you.

Unfortunately, unlike spiders and balloons, there isn't an easy way of scaring you. "DO YOU REALISE YOU'RE STANDING ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN?" seems unlikely to work...

Chris said...

LAST!!! WHOO HOO!

Yeah, I have talent ;-)

And I hope that you eventually get out of your house. And that you have enough food in case you don't get to leave.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Chris:

Thankyou. I'll go shopping this evening to get plenty of supplies in. This is the sort of time that a freezer comes in handy, along with the stashes of green beans that I was saving for World War III, or a similar crisis.

I wasn't going to reply so that you really could be last, but didn't want to seem rude.