Serving Suggestion

I was feeling hungry this morning, so I made myself some breakfast:


I couldn't help noticing something strange on the label of the mustard:


Not the fact that they give you 397 grams of mustard and are too stingy to just round it up to 400, not the fact that they have a picture of a hotdog laced with French's, but rather the small print next to this picture which says "Serving Suggestion". They put this on food labels so that you don't think that you're getting all the items pictured.

I know they're an American company, but are they seriously worried about getting sued because a customer squeezed all of the mustard out of the bottle thinking that a hotdog was going to emerge, complete with a bread roll?

Years ago I remember watching a TV programme where they got people to send "Serving Suggestions". So I had a look around my kitchen and found the following examples.

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Note the half-eaten bread next to the bowl, and the sprig of green stuff in the soup.

These sprigs appear everywhere. Do people always keep a spare mushroom handy to chuck on the table when they're serving tinned mushroom soup? Well, they would if they paid more attention to the suggestions.


The picture is completely wrong, anyway. I never serve mushroom soup like this. I only have it to make Green Bean Casserole. Maybe I should send Campbell's a photo. I bet their sales would rocket.


Yet more sprigs. The only reason they need the small print is because the products don't come with them. Sack the legal team and spend the money on giving us a sprig...

I find this last one baffling:


This is from some microwavable vegetable rice. People who buy this type of product don't have fresh garden peas, corn and peppers in their house. Believe me, I know.

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I was surprised that there were no "Serving Suggestions" on Sainsbury's Humous. So I've produced the following, which I'm hoping they'll pay me good money for. I didn't have a sprig handy, but that can always be added later. What do you think?


Don't give up the day job? I thought so. Well, that's a very helpful suggestion, thankyou.

Ιστορίες του χορκού

Today, RIKSAT stopped transmitting their infamous blue screen. Hooray! So I got to see the news live, but also got to watch some of the other programmes that I tune into now and then.

Now, the news is okay. I can understand almost all of it these days. Aimilia and her colleagues speak very good Greek. People being interviewed generally do, though not always.

Other programmes aren't always so easy to follow, particularly dramas and comedies. One of the shows I watch a couple of times a week is "Istories tou horkou", or "Tales of the Village". This is a situation comedy. In Cypriot (rather than standard) Greek.

Maritsa (centre) with Mr and Mrs Mouxtari (? I think)

Once or twice I've been able to follow what's going on, just about, but most of the time I'm fairly clueless. As its name suggests, it's set in a village. There is a coffee shop, run by Petsouna, priests riding mopeds, and a girl who keeps talking to Russians on the phone. Tonight they appeared to be trying to console Petsouna's father, since she had mentioned something about her mother, who died 10 years before, which upset him. So they dressed up one of the policemen in drag and tried to set him up with Petsouna's dad, who insisted on checking his (her?) teeth. Then his wig fell off...

All very strange. I don't understand why Mr Mouxtari was bandaging up the girl that works in his shop (the one with Russian friends) to make his wife and Maritsa think she'd been in hospital... There are lots of cries of "Kyrie Eleeson" and "Mana mou" - the Catholics in the audience will recognise the first of these, if I've spelt it right.

What's great is that it was hearing Cypriots talk as a child that made me want to learn Greek. I never thought I'd be able to learn any Cypriot, since it's not used in formal situations (such as on the news, or in books), and Cypriot words aren't found in dictionaries. But I'm starting to think that I might have a fighting chance, if I watch enough telly.

Who said TV was bad for you? It's educational...

Wordy Wednesday

Yes, it's that time of the week again...

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High Ambitions

I loved this story about a Frenchman with a dream. His dream was to go about 25 miles up in a helium balloon and then jump out. The idea was to do the highest balloon flight, the fastest and longest freefall (falling through the air at 1.7 times the speed of sound), etc. He's been preparing for this over several years. When the day finally came, he was in his pressurised suit in his pressurised capsule whilst they inflated the balloon. Unfortunately the balloon went up into the sky, but left him on the ground feeling - deflated?

The balloon cost $200,000, and with it flying off, he'll presumably be unable to return it and get his money back. Looking on the bright side, it could have been a lot worse if he'd actually taken off. He might have got hurt. It's a very expensive way to make a fool of yourself, though.

I have never ever understood why anyone wants to fly using a balloon. There's a very good reason why no-one's ever managed what he was attempting...

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Blue Emilia

It's happening again. Instead of my favourite newsreader, I'm getting a blue screen. It happened last night and tonight. Last night there were tantalising stretches of a picture, and then back to blue. This evening as far as I can see there's not even that. There will be the on demand video available later, but it's not the same, and I won't get to see any of the other programmes I watch...

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Miserable

The weather has been terrible. It's still raining. Someone should tell the great Weatherman in the Sky that the Bank Holiday's over...

Invasion!

The lights went out.

"Not again!", complained Sal. "Just when I was about to win!"

"Well, I wouldn't want to lose my unbeaten status.", joked Jon. "Did you hear a thump just then? As if something hit the ground."

"Oh, I'm not sure. Now that you mention it, I think I did."

"I'd better go outside and have a look. Someone might be hurt."

"Do you have to? It's an awful night, and I can't imagine there's anyone out."

~

Jon got ready and went outside. He immediately knew something was wrong, when he saw a strange glow in the distance. He headed towards it.

~

The Army's Commander squinted at the chart, finding it difficult to see by the dim emergency lights. "It's finally come - ", he announced, "the day when the Venusians have decided to invade. Let's go and give them a welcome they won't forget!"

~

Jon had nearly reached the light source. Whatever it was that had landed in that crater, it wasn't anything natural like an asteroid. It looked metallic! He came to the edge of the crater and peered in. It consisted of a large multi-sided box with several metal legs. It could only be a visitor from outer space!

Just then he heard a sound behind him. He swung round and came face to face with a party of soldiers. "You'd better go home Jon, this is no place for a scientist.", warned the Commander, leading Jon out of his soldiers' line of fire.

"But this is precisely the place for me!", argued Jon, "We have an alien visitor. You're going to need me to analyse..."

"There'll be nothing to analyse when we're finished.", said the Commander. "We're going to blow this thing back to Venus!"

"Don't be so hasty!", Jon pleaded, "The Venusians might be friendly. Can't we at least examine the, erm, thing before you destroy it? I mean, I can't see any weapons."

The Commander looked closely. "Hmm. Digging tools, cameras... you know, you might be right. It also looks robotic. Okay, I'll keep lookouts posted. In the meantime no-one is to go near it. Not even in the interests of science. And if it even looks threatening, we'll neutralise it. Agreed?"

~

The lookouts were instructed to keep behind the cameras at all times, so that they wouldn't be detected. Over the next few days and months, the robot dug some holes in the ground, but otherwise seemed harmless. The soldiers even started to enjoy their regular game of hide-and-seek with the robot, which never saw them.

The area was kept sealed off for years by the military (who of course denied all the rumours about aliens), until eventually the robot stopped moving. Then Jon was allowed to take a look at it.

~

One day, Jon returned home in a state of great excitement. "Sal!", he shouted, "Listen to what I've discovered!"

Sal looked somewhat less enthusiastic - she was sure that whatever it was would be beyond her limited scientific understanding.

"We were wrong!", said Jon, "The alien robot didn't come from Venus. I checked it's rockets and fuel tanks against the relative positions of the planets at the time of its journey, and..."

"Then where is it from?", interrupted Sal.

"The Blue Planet. Earth. Who'd have thought there'd be life there as well?"

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NASA's Phoenix probe landed successfully on Mars on Sunday, and the first pictures were received yesterday. The probe's aim is to look for signs of life on the Red Planet.

Phuket!

Tracy asked for a guide to exotic islands. Well, here's one.

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PHUKET

Phuket is the largest island in Thailand. It is a popular holiday resort. It was badly hit by the 2004 tsunami, but apparently 4 years on all traces of this disaster have gone.

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Reasons you might want to visit Phuket

The Prestige: Phuket is one of those places that everyone knows is exotic. All your neighbours will be impressed and jealous. It's also suitably expensive.

The Beaches: There certainly are some unspoilt stretches of sand, if you like that sort of thing.

[Source]

The Exotic Architecture: There aren't many places where the lighthouses look like this ancient (circa 1996) example:

[Source]

The Nightlife: Phuket boasts an impressive array of services to cover all requirements: restaurants, bars, viagara, massage parlours (including erotic ones), and prostitutes catering for every taste and orientation.

[Source]

The Scenery: It is impressive.

[Source]

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Reasons you might not want to visit Phuket

The Prestige: What? Spend all that money to go to "Fuckit"? Your blog friends will have a field day.

The Beaches: Who wants to lie on a beach getting skin cancer? Especially an empty one - fewer bikini-clad beauties to eye-up. And they don't even let them go topless...

The Exotic Architecture:

[Source]

The Nightlife: Do you really want to have to deal with pushy viagara salesmen everywhere you go? People have died taking that stuff without proper medical advice. And apparently the prostitution thing is seriously complicated, and I'm told you can't tell the difference between the transvestites and the women. At least, not until it's too late...

The Scenery: Okay, I really can't think of anything bad or silly to say about it. It does look amazing.

[Source]

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Anyway, don't take my word for it. We're now all eagerly awaiting a proper travel report from Tracy.

Great British Tradition: Update

All those people who went on holiday might be looking out at this (the view from my lounge today):


Not that I'm going to say "Told you so"

A Great British Tradition

Continuing the "anti-holiday guide" theme, we're going to look at the British Bank Holiday Weekend.

Monday is the Spring Bank Holiday in this country. Most people have the day off, which makes a long weekend. Faced with a whole three days off work, lots of people decide to go away for a short "break".

Many of them start early to avoid the rush - the traffic on the motorways seemed busy this morning, with quite a few caravans. This will get worse throughout the day, until tomorrow the UK road network will resemble a large car park.

After spending the first of their three days stuck in traffic, the would-be-vacationers will arrive at their destination, and if they're lucky their kids won't have killed each other, or have covered the back seat of the car with vomit/urine/etc. No-one is likely to be very happy or enthusiastic at this point in their relaxing weekend away.

They will then spend the second day sitting in their caravan/chalet/hotel room looking out of the window. At the pouring rain. It always rains on a Bank Holiday Weekend. This is because they don't have any in the summer when there might be a chance of good weather.

Day Three, is of course spent sitting in another traffic jam trying to get home.

Many people have been holidaying like this for years, and have decided to do something different instead - short foreign breaks are now becoming more popular. Basically they spend the bit of time in between car journeys at the airport. Or rather two airports. You go to one, wait several hours because your flight has been delayed, fly to the other one, and just have enough time to grab a bagel and some duty free in the Departure Lounge before the flight home.

I really am at a loss to know why anyone goes anywhere at all on a Bank Holiday. Are people really stupid? Is it some kind of herd instinct? Anyway, that's what I won't be doing this weekend.

Instead, I'm hoping to spend some quality time writing the much-awaited Exotic Island post.