Important World Events

After my lazy bank holiday last week, I was toying with the idea of actually doing something this weekend. So I went onto google to find out if there was anything going on. Sadly, google wasn't able to help very much.

Amongst all of the adverts for restaurants, there was only one thing that stood out. Today they're holding the 15th Annual "Back to Back" wool challenge in New South Wales, Australia. You need a team of eight people - one to shear sheep, and the other seven to spin the wool and knit a jumper. All in under eight hours.

I decided not to go. Mainly because I'm not much of an outdoor person, and I didn't like the idea of spending up to eight hours around animals whose lives are duller than mine - they simply bleat and shit, and I bet they don't even have internet access.

Other minor reasons included not being able to shear, spin or knit, as well as not being able to find another seven people to go with. And Australia's a bit too far away for a convenient day trip.

This is the second biggest cultural event of the weekend, though. I bet that everyone who cares about renewable sources of clothing will be there. Father Al Gore is expected to jet in specially, like he did last year. As you probably know, he's an expert in this field, having attended Harvard on a knitting scholarship.

The former knitting pro showing
that he hasn't lost his touch

Last year some naysayers asked how come his wool was red, as it turned out that there were no red sheep there that day, and they even went as far as to suggest that he might have cheated and brought a half-finished jumper with him, but no-one took them seriously. If he does well this year, it is widely expected that he may be awarded the Nobel Fleece Prize.

Did I mention that this was the second biggest event of the weekend? The biggest is of course the Annual Celebration of Jean Knee's Birthday. I hope you have a good day, Jean Knee. You never know, Father Al might even send you a jumper.

Wordy Wednesday: Blue Thoughts

We all know how much women (and Dan) worry about their weight. They spend vast sums of money on various types of diet, and even if these work, they just put it back on again once they're done. The only realistic option is to buy bigger clothes.

Until now.

Now they've come up with a much better way to diet, which doesn't involve having to give any thought to meals, exercise, whether the stripes on your skirt are horizontal or vertical, or any of the other failed methods. No, what you have to do is to wear shades at meal times. Blue shades, to be precise.


The theory is that food doesn't look so great when tinted blue, and they may have a point.

More mashed potato, anyone?

However, I don't think it'll work. After a while, you'll get used to the blue tinge and be back to eating again. There are also other drawbacks. For instance, caterers use blue plasters when they cut themselves, so that if they fall into the food they can easily be spotted. Not by the blue shade wearer, though. The plaster will look like another piece of linguine. Though you might realise when it seems a bit chewier than normal.

The other problem is that not only will your food look blue, but so will everything else, and this will be a little disorientating, so you may want to remain seated whilst wearing the shades.

But, what if you need to turn a light on, or find the TV remote? As usual the boffins have thought of (nearly) everything. They're busy working on an intelligent house that will respond to your thoughts. No more having to strain a ligament getting up to turn on the heating.

Try as he may, he couldn't get the new TV to work.

Whilst I can see that this could be useful to people who are disabled, I'm not massively impressed by the idea of a computer being able to read my mind. And I wonder what'll happen when families argue over what channel to watch?

A few years ago they were telling us that we'd be controlling our household devices remotely when we weren't at home using mobile phones or the internet. This didn't catch on. After all, the humble light switch is a lot easier to use, doesn't go wrong, and who wants to switch TV channels when they're out?

The TV remote control is bad enough. When I was a lad, we actually had to get out of our seats (shock!) to turn down the volume when Barry Manilow or Des O Connor started crooning. And it didn't do us any harm. The exercise did us good.

In fact, any weight loss you achieve by wearing diet shades will be more than cancelled out by what must surely be every couch potato's dream. Don't worry, though. You'll be able to telepathically control the crane needed to lift you in and out of bed.

Cool

I thought that, since I haven't posted since Wednesday, I should give you an update about the exciting and important things that have been going on in my life.

But that wouldn't make for a very long post. In fact, it would look something like this:

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The Exciting and Important Things That Have Been Going on in my Life

Αναρτήθηκε από Brian o vretanos στις 22:15

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So instead, I'm going to tell you about my weekend. It began on Friday afternoon at around 2pm, when I finished work early. On Saturday Helena and I went shopping, had lunch at Burger King (not the one in town, since Helena doesn't like going to town, and they've probably still got the roads closed). She went home on Sunday.

Since then I've been chilling out. Not like this:

And unlike a lot of people on a Bank Holiday not like this:
(though chlling might be a good word to describe that kind of experience)

More like this:

I wandered down to the pub for a bit last night, picked up a donner kebab on the way home, and today breakfasted on coffee and croissant. Later I might have a look at yesterday's crossword from To Vima. I've only had one other attempt at a Greek crossword, and I've got a long way to go before I get anywhere near completing one.

There's nothing better than doing nothing. Or rather, having nothing to do. It'll be a shame to go back to work, but sadly professional layabouts don't earn enough to make it worth my while changing careers.

I hope you've all had a good weekend.

Wordy Wednesday - Come Back, Arnie!

One of the rare times I've been to the cinema was when Terminator II came out. A bunch of us went to see it, though I hadn't at that point seen the original film. Years later Terminator III was made, and was surprisingly enjoyable for a second sequel. However, the good citizens of California were so intent on stopping Arnie making any more that they elected him Governor.


This might not have been a very wise decision, as it seems that we may need him to dust off his Uzi 9mm. You no doubt remember that the Terminator series revolves around the battle between men and the machines which have decided to take over the world. Well, we rapidly seem to be hurrying in that direction.

The machines are not deploying homicidal robots, at least not yet. Instead they boss us and nag us to do their bidding. Take my DVD player, for example. It's lasted me for years, is very reliable and I like the layout of the remote control. However, if you leave the DVD drawer open for a certain amount of time it closes it and switches itself off. The TV then switches to showing a TV channel, usually at a deafening volume, prompting me to leap manically for the remote and the mute button.

Consequently the machine makes me nervous. if I'm taking one disc out and putting another in, I make sure I do it quickly. Before it decides it's waited long enough. If it had fingers it would drum them impatiently. This is not right. It's a machine, after all. It should wait forever if need be until its master deigns to give it further instructions.

And what about MS Windows? Every so often it decides to nag you. "There are unused icons on your desktop." So? I like them there. What's it to you, anyway? Click. "You can install Updates." FUCK OFF! I DON'T WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I'M TRYING TO OPEN A FILE! STOP NAGGING ME AND GET ON WITH IT! Who owns this computer, Bill Gates? Luckily, I only have this problem at work.

Cars are getting worse, too. Many now tut impatiently when you sit in them until you've put your seatbelt on. Car makers are looking at making them so that they won't let you exceed the speed limit. If they're not careful they'll soon get worse than the average mother in law. This is all part of a conspiracy by Al Gore and his followers to make people stop using them.

Now it's the turn of the humble alarm clock. Mine already switches to a faster, louder, more impatient beep if I don't turn it off quickly enough. Since I often get up before it does, I'm often in the shower at this point. Apparently, though, this isn't enough. Now they've made an alarm clock that runs away from you to force you to get up and chase it round the house.

It's just crying out to be dealt with by Arnie and his Uzi.

Meat Sandwich

Continuing the food theme, I couldn't resist passing on the story about the Italian sandwich. If you're feeling hungry and don't enjoy exotic South American cuisine, feel free to come back after you've eaten.

A visitor to an Italian hospital bought a cheese and tomato sandwich in the canteen, only to find that the cheese seemed to be a bit chewier than he had expected. On closer examination he found that the sandwich contained a dead lizard. He was rather shocked by this, so presumably he's a vegetarian or something.

I'm also guessing he's not Mexican. The only recipes I could find for lizards are for Iguanas, which are apparently eaten in certain parts of Mexico, and taste like chicken.


The man was examined by doctors, who were able to reassure him that he wasn't likely to be following the lizard to the grave as a result of the incident. No doubt the powers that be will be more interested to see whether or not the sarnie packet had suitable labelling, such as "May contain reptiles" in a microscopically small font. If they did, then they shouldn't get prosecuted.

The canteen did say that it must have got into the sandwich making machinery. Rather than into the hospital stew, presumably. I've always thought there was something dodgy about buying food in institutions where they regularly remove organs and amputate things from people. Just in case there's a mix up with the meat delivery.

Nachos

I had my day all planned. It was going to be a repeat of last weekend. I was going to go into town, get some bits for my computer (another game controller, though also a USB hub this time), brunch in Burger King, and go to the supermarket on my way back.

Sadly, when I got to town, it was shut. Well, that's possibly not completely accurate. They've blocked off a vital part of the one way system. I'm not sure how much, because I couldn't get anywhere. I attempted to get to the car park another way, but I've only been driving in this town since I was 17, so I've still not learned my way around yet.

It's going to be closed for weeks. There's some lame excuse about them doing vital work on a gas main. Why do they never learn? They keep insisting on putting gas and water mains underneath roads. Why can't they put them somewhere more convenient? Such as above ground?

I didn't have any change which meant I couldn't park in one of the many "Pay and Display" places, and so I gave up and went to the supermarket. Now in a state of near starvation, having been daydreaming about burgers for the previous couple of hours.

Consequently, I ended up with a whole load of nice food. Brunch is nachos with "Monterray Jack" cheese, salsa dip and sour cream, washed down with orange juice and lemonade. I don't know if these nachos are very genuine - they look like Doritos to me. And the salsa isn't spicy enough, and as usual with fancily-named American cheeses, the Monterray Jack is very bland.

But it makes a nice change, and the whole thing only took a minute in the microwave (when it comes to cooking Bee is my role model).

Have a good weekend!

You Can Breathe Again

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