Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Wordy Wednesday: Blue Thoughts

We all know how much women (and Dan) worry about their weight. They spend vast sums of money on various types of diet, and even if these work, they just put it back on again once they're done. The only realistic option is to buy bigger clothes.

Until now.

Now they've come up with a much better way to diet, which doesn't involve having to give any thought to meals, exercise, whether the stripes on your skirt are horizontal or vertical, or any of the other failed methods. No, what you have to do is to wear shades at meal times. Blue shades, to be precise.


The theory is that food doesn't look so great when tinted blue, and they may have a point.

More mashed potato, anyone?

However, I don't think it'll work. After a while, you'll get used to the blue tinge and be back to eating again. There are also other drawbacks. For instance, caterers use blue plasters when they cut themselves, so that if they fall into the food they can easily be spotted. Not by the blue shade wearer, though. The plaster will look like another piece of linguine. Though you might realise when it seems a bit chewier than normal.

The other problem is that not only will your food look blue, but so will everything else, and this will be a little disorientating, so you may want to remain seated whilst wearing the shades.

But, what if you need to turn a light on, or find the TV remote? As usual the boffins have thought of (nearly) everything. They're busy working on an intelligent house that will respond to your thoughts. No more having to strain a ligament getting up to turn on the heating.

Try as he may, he couldn't get the new TV to work.

Whilst I can see that this could be useful to people who are disabled, I'm not massively impressed by the idea of a computer being able to read my mind. And I wonder what'll happen when families argue over what channel to watch?

A few years ago they were telling us that we'd be controlling our household devices remotely when we weren't at home using mobile phones or the internet. This didn't catch on. After all, the humble light switch is a lot easier to use, doesn't go wrong, and who wants to switch TV channels when they're out?

The TV remote control is bad enough. When I was a lad, we actually had to get out of our seats (shock!) to turn down the volume when Barry Manilow or Des O Connor started crooning. And it didn't do us any harm. The exercise did us good.

In fact, any weight loss you achieve by wearing diet shades will be more than cancelled out by what must surely be every couch potato's dream. Don't worry, though. You'll be able to telepathically control the crane needed to lift you in and out of bed.

9 comments:

for a different kind of girl said...

The blue shades may cut down the food intake, but I think I'd end up with a headache as a side effect, which also means I'd not be inclined to eat. I could be swimsuit ready in a month!

Dan said...

What? What Dan? Me Dan? I don't worry about my weight, I don't have to cause I'm not fat, sure I could stand to lose a pound or two but who can't? I'm not bald either! I'm totally going to try that Blue thing, hopefully I'll lose a couple of pounds.

Bee said...

Nah! I'd still eat blue food or not. I might then get some fluorescent pink ones to stir things up a bit.

Jean Knee said...

even though I like all things sloth like and slovenly, it may be too much

My mom tinted rice green when I was a child because she read if you color food in whimsical ways your kids will eat it. My dad threw it out the back door and forbade her to ever do that again.


I guess it was a FAIL

Kat said...

That was shady...Haha. Seriously though I don't think blue shades could put me off eating anything.

Now putting everything together in a blender...different story.

Brian o vretanos said...

FADKOG:

Maybe the boffins are on to something after all.

Dan:

Fat cowboys don't last long, mainly because their horses collapse under the strain, so you should worry about your weight.

Bee:

It would be a bit much to expect this to work on someone who has bright red hair ;-)

Jean Knee:

She'd probably have had more luck covering the rice in chocolate sauce.

Kat:

Blending is gross - I don't know how people can drink those smoothy things, never mind cope with blended food. I like to see what I'm eating...

Tracy Rambles On And On said...

Ohh, Brian Dear, the picture on the top of your post was extremely misleading!
Bramstokers Dracula was one of my favorite movies and when I saw him I thought we were going to talk about Twilight or how hot vampires are.
Very disappointing.

Tracy Rambles On And On said...

While I will agree that the blue mashed potatoes didn't look appealing, I wonder if it would make any difference after you tasted them. I mean, after seeing that they taste the same blue or not, what's stopping that person from eating the whole helping and then some?
I don't want computers reading my mind.
And my dad always said that he had a remote control for his "telly" long before they were invented. He was, of course, referring to me.

Brian o vretanos said...

Tracy:

I'll do a vampire post at some point.

I'm skeptical about the blue shades too. And what are colour blind people supposed to do?