Wordy Wednesday: Blue Thoughts

We all know how much women (and Dan) worry about their weight. They spend vast sums of money on various types of diet, and even if these work, they just put it back on again once they're done. The only realistic option is to buy bigger clothes.

Until now.

Now they've come up with a much better way to diet, which doesn't involve having to give any thought to meals, exercise, whether the stripes on your skirt are horizontal or vertical, or any of the other failed methods. No, what you have to do is to wear shades at meal times. Blue shades, to be precise.


The theory is that food doesn't look so great when tinted blue, and they may have a point.

More mashed potato, anyone?

However, I don't think it'll work. After a while, you'll get used to the blue tinge and be back to eating again. There are also other drawbacks. For instance, caterers use blue plasters when they cut themselves, so that if they fall into the food they can easily be spotted. Not by the blue shade wearer, though. The plaster will look like another piece of linguine. Though you might realise when it seems a bit chewier than normal.

The other problem is that not only will your food look blue, but so will everything else, and this will be a little disorientating, so you may want to remain seated whilst wearing the shades.

But, what if you need to turn a light on, or find the TV remote? As usual the boffins have thought of (nearly) everything. They're busy working on an intelligent house that will respond to your thoughts. No more having to strain a ligament getting up to turn on the heating.

Try as he may, he couldn't get the new TV to work.

Whilst I can see that this could be useful to people who are disabled, I'm not massively impressed by the idea of a computer being able to read my mind. And I wonder what'll happen when families argue over what channel to watch?

A few years ago they were telling us that we'd be controlling our household devices remotely when we weren't at home using mobile phones or the internet. This didn't catch on. After all, the humble light switch is a lot easier to use, doesn't go wrong, and who wants to switch TV channels when they're out?

The TV remote control is bad enough. When I was a lad, we actually had to get out of our seats (shock!) to turn down the volume when Barry Manilow or Des O Connor started crooning. And it didn't do us any harm. The exercise did us good.

In fact, any weight loss you achieve by wearing diet shades will be more than cancelled out by what must surely be every couch potato's dream. Don't worry, though. You'll be able to telepathically control the crane needed to lift you in and out of bed.