Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Wordy Wednesday - Come Back, Arnie!

One of the rare times I've been to the cinema was when Terminator II came out. A bunch of us went to see it, though I hadn't at that point seen the original film. Years later Terminator III was made, and was surprisingly enjoyable for a second sequel. However, the good citizens of California were so intent on stopping Arnie making any more that they elected him Governor.

This might not have been a very wise decision, as it seems that we may need him to dust off his Uzi 9mm. You no doubt remember that the Terminator series revolves around the battle between men and the machines which have decided to take over the world. Well, we rapidly seem to be hurrying in that direction.

The machines are not deploying homicidal robots, at least not yet. Instead they boss us and nag us to do their bidding. Take my DVD player, for example. It's lasted me for years, is very reliable and I like the layout of the remote control. However, if you leave the DVD drawer open for a certain amount of time it closes it and switches itself off. The TV then switches to showing a TV channel, usually at a deafening volume, prompting me to leap manically for the remote and the mute button.

Consequently the machine makes me nervous. if I'm taking one disc out and putting another in, I make sure I do it quickly. Before it decides it's waited long enough. If it had fingers it would drum them impatiently. This is not right. It's a machine, after all. It should wait forever if need be until its master deigns to give it further instructions.

And what about MS Windows? Every so often it decides to nag you. "There are unused icons on your desktop." So? I like them there. What's it to you, anyway? Click. "You can install Updates." FUCK OFF! I DON'T WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I'M TRYING TO OPEN A FILE! STOP NAGGING ME AND GET ON WITH IT! Who owns this computer, Bill Gates? Luckily, I only have this problem at work.

Cars are getting worse, too. Many now tut impatiently when you sit in them until you've put your seatbelt on. Car makers are looking at making them so that they won't let you exceed the speed limit. If they're not careful they'll soon get worse than the average mother in law. This is all part of a conspiracy by Al Gore and his followers to make people stop using them.

Now it's the turn of the humble alarm clock. Mine already switches to a faster, louder, more impatient beep if I don't turn it off quickly enough. Since I often get up before it does, I'm often in the shower at this point. Apparently, though, this isn't enough. Now they've made an alarm clock that runs away from you to force you to get up and chase it round the house.

It's just crying out to be dealt with by Arnie and his Uzi.


for a different kind of girl said...

If the machines taking over the world means I will always have a DVR to record my shows, I am willing to take my chances.

Bee said...

It seems you have an operator error regarding your alarm.

I have an alarm/clock/cd/radio in the bathroom and I somehow programmed it to go off at 8am every morning. Normally I have no issues because I’m still trying to fix my hair at 8 so it doesn’t go off because the radio is on. However! On weekends, it blasts the P!nk CD I have in there at maximum volume. The thing is 800 years old so I don’t have an instruction manual. Also, if you suggest I remove the CD and that would solve my problem you’d be wrong. You see, if there is no CD in the foghorn like blaring would wake all Zombies within a 100 mile radius.

It seems I too have an operator error regarding my alarm.

Bee said...

Don't tell me to unplug it either because I just forget.

Brian o vretanos said...


Television - the opium of the masses ;-)


I can see two viable solutions to your problem. One is to put in a CD with nothing but silence on it. The other is to get an Uzi.

Bee said...

I just saw that video and wow! They should have gotten a better actor!

Jean Knee said...

My alarm clock is great. it starts off with a barelyaudible obnoxious noise and gradually becomes louder. no jarring wake ups

none of the machines back here like you Jeffrey

No Cool Story said...

We have been warned for years that they would take over. I say we buy guns and move to the hills!
They'll never take me alive!!

No Cool Story said...

Wait, maybe it was monkeys I was thinking about.
Or zombies.

Brian o vretanos said...


No, moving to the hills is a great idea. The massed army of rampaging plastic alarm clocks will all overheat trying to climb high.

Chris Wood said...

Arnie broke my DVD player. Swine.

Kat said...

Seriously what is it with the unused icons? I mean who cares if they're there or not? If I wanted them gone or really didn't use the program I would uninstall - not just delete the shortcut. Duh.


Brian o vretanos said...


I wouldn't argue with him, though...


It may be because having icons on your "desktop" makes logging on and off a Windows machine slower. Especially on domains. Though the real hit is presumably from files left there rather than links.