I woke up. Was it morning? I looked around. I was not, as I expected, in my bed but on a block. An operating table! Had I been rushed to hospital? No, there were no doctors or nurses. Around me were gloomy shadows, but I couldn't make out much.
Then I heard Chuck Berry. I looked at the block underneath me. It was very smooth and shiny like metal, but felt soft and comfortable. There was some movement. Chuck Berry died away and I heard steps. Two people. Were they people? They looked a bit like cartoon characters. A man and a woman, both naked. The woman looked at me and said, without moving her lips started saying something in a language I didn't understand. Wait a minute, lots of languages. "Welcome", "Bonjour", "Wilkommen", "καλώς ορίσατε", then some more I didn't understand.
"What is this?" I asked. The man started making whale noises. When I looked puzzled, he made some more, louder.
Then I heard a piano playing Bach. The pianist was singing along. Glenn Gould! "That's more like it!" I said. "That's more like it!" said the woman, in my voice!
Feeling a little bolder I stood up. The woman turned, and then I realised why she looked like a cartoon - behind a piece of metal with a picture of a woman on it was a wierd... alien! Just like the ones in the films!
Now I understood. The aliens had come across one of the Voyager space probes, and found the various pictures and messages put there specifically for this purpose. When you stopped to think about the sort of thing they'd sent, you realised that it was all not much use when it came to teaching aliens to communicate with us.
I decided to try out my alien language skills - I'm something of an expert having watched all the 1950's B movie alien films. "Take. Me. To. Your. Lea. Der!" I said in a flat voice.
The "man" stopped talking whale and said "You. Speak. Our. Lan. guage! Wait. Till. I. Tell. Them. Back. Home!"
They seemed friendly enough, but they were determined that they were going to take me back to their planet with them. I protested. "I. Don't. Want. To. Go. To. Your. Shit. Ty. Plan. et.". I know I was passing up the chance of a lifetime, but would you want to end up in some alien zoo?
"You. Must. Take. Our. Lea. Der!". I said. Painstakingly I described a whale. "I. On. Ly. Work. Here. Our. Lea. Der. Is. The. One. You. Want!"
They had a conflab. "He. Might. Be. Right!" Said the "man". "Well. He. Is. Pre. Tty. Stu. Pid!", replied the woman. "And. So. Ug. Ly! Not. Like. His. Pic. Ture!".
There was a loud screeching noise and I passed out.
I woke up in my own bed. Was it a dream? Almost certainly. After all, alien abductions are rubbish, right? And bug eyed humanoids that talk like films!
Later that day, I read the story about a shark which had mysteriously vanished from an aquarium in Japan. Ooops.
A shark. What can I say? My description was rubbish. I can't help that, they should have abducted a marine biologist or something. Oh well, I hope their whale music doesn't freak it out.
[Serendipity Mine: Kree! Alien 101]