Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Wilkommen, καλώς ορίσατε...

I woke up. Was it morning? I looked around. I was not, as I expected, in my bed but on a block. An operating table! Had I been rushed to hospital? No, there were no doctors or nurses. Around me were gloomy shadows, but I couldn't make out much.

Then I heard Chuck Berry. I looked at the block underneath me. It was very smooth and shiny like metal, but felt soft and comfortable. There was some movement. Chuck Berry died away and I heard steps. Two people. Were they people? They looked a bit like cartoon characters. A man and a woman, both naked. The woman looked at me and said, without moving her lips started saying something in a language I didn't understand. Wait a minute, lots of languages. "Welcome", "Bonjour", "Wilkommen", "καλώς ορίσατε", then some more I didn't understand.

"What is this?" I asked. The man started making whale noises. When I looked puzzled, he made some more, louder.

Then I heard a piano playing Bach. The pianist was singing along. Glenn Gould! "That's more like it!" I said. "That's more like it!" said the woman, in my voice!

Feeling a little bolder I stood up. The woman turned, and then I realised why she looked like a cartoon - behind a piece of metal with a picture of a woman on it was a wierd... alien! Just like the ones in the films!

Now I understood. The aliens had come across one of the Voyager space probes, and found the various pictures and messages put there specifically for this purpose. When you stopped to think about the sort of thing they'd sent, you realised that it was all not much use when it came to teaching aliens to communicate with us.


I decided to try out my alien language skills - I'm something of an expert having watched all the 1950's B movie alien films. "Take. Me. To. Your. Lea. Der!" I said in a flat voice.

The "man" stopped talking whale and said "You. Speak. Our. Lan. guage! Wait. Till. I. Tell. Them. Back. Home!"

They seemed friendly enough, but they were determined that they were going to take me back to their planet with them. I protested. "I. Don't. Want. To. Go. To. Your. Shit. Ty. Plan. et.". I know I was passing up the chance of a lifetime, but would you want to end up in some alien zoo?

"You. Must. Take. Our. Lea. Der!". I said. Painstakingly I described a whale. "I. On. Ly. Work. Here. Our. Lea. Der. Is. The. One. You. Want!"

They had a conflab. "He. Might. Be. Right!" Said the "man". "Well. He. Is. Pre. Tty. Stu. Pid!", replied the woman. "And. So. Ug. Ly! Not. Like. His. Pic. Ture!".

There was a loud screeching noise and I passed out.

I woke up in my own bed. Was it a dream? Almost certainly. After all, alien abductions are rubbish, right? And bug eyed humanoids that talk like films!

Later that day, I read the story about a shark which had mysteriously vanished from an aquarium in Japan. Ooops.

A shark. What can I say? My description was rubbish. I can't help that, they should have abducted a marine biologist or something. Oh well, I hope their whale music doesn't freak it out.

[Serendipity Mine: Kree! Alien 101]

14 comments:

Bee said...

So do you believe or not?
If you do, you have to put that alien picture on my blog on your side bar. It's the law!

Bee said...

Well, maybe not cuz it has a "swear" word on it.

Brian o Vretanos said...

I don't believe that aliens are likely to have been here, no.

Swear Word:

Yes, I noticed that ;-)

Chris said...

LMAO. That was awesome!!! WAY better than my alien post ;-)

I highly doubt that aliens have been here either. I figure if they can travel all this way..why would they want to do sexual experiments on us? Granted our little planet doesn't offer much other good, but still.

Chris said...

OH, and what is a conflab?

Bee said...

Do you believe they exist?

Brian o Vretanos said...

Chris:

Glad you liked it. A conflab is a kind of an exclusive discussion, so the aliens would have gone off to one side and spoken to each other quietly.

For a minute I thought I was going mad, as it's a word I'm very familiar with, yet it isn't in my dictionary. However, there are plenty of references on the web.

Bee:

I think that aliens probably exist. I believe that it's entirely possible, and likely. I don't have any way of being more certain than that...

Brian o Vretanos said...

Bee:

I believe that conflabs exist, if that's what you meant.

Chris said...

Well, I probably could have looked it up on the web, but it was so much easier to just ask for the explanation in this nice little comment box :-)

I thank you for expanding my mind. Now if you excuse me I must go conflab with the voices in my head :-D

Jean Knee said...

I have never been abducted by, nor seen, any aliens other than the men who bricked our house.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

Not everyone remembers. Sometimes the drugs they give you to forget actually work properly.

I don't think the workmen count, unless they came in a flying saucer. You didn't happen to notice, did you? It might have been cunningly disguised as a van, but you can usually tell be the fact that it flies.

Dan said...

I want whatever you're smoking !
or is it that you have been taking your over the counter cold medicine too much ?
Do you still want to do away with sleep ?
Dan

Jean Knee said...

they came crammed in the back of a pickup truck. the foreman said they were aliens but didn't elaborate on which was their home planet

Brian o Vretanos said...

Dan:

No, I've not been taking anything. This is my usual state ;-)

Jean Knee:

Paying them in their planet's currency would be difficult, though they'd have to be from somewhere really uncivilised not to accept Visa or Mastercard ;-)