Monday, 19 May 2008

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch...

Dan asked me to provide a bluffer's guide to Texas (i.e. written by a bluffer).

EVERYTHING'S BIG IN TEXAS

GOURMET EATING

Texas is the second-largest state in the US, covering an area approximately the size of France. Unlike France, the natives are reasonably friendly, and they speak English. Like France they have plenty of great places to eat:

And of course, we're talking about the home of Tex Mex. D A N, . . . T E X A S . I S . C A L L I N G !

CLIMATE CHANGE

One great reason to retire to Texas is the climate. The state is number one for greenhouse emissions and tornados, and there are some breathtaking views:
GREAT PEOPLE .......C O M E . O N , D A N. . . Y O U ' L L . L O V E . I T . H E R E!
You'll really love some of the local characters. Rumour has it that one woman keeps dried reptiles and deceased pets in her freezer. And of course, family values are very important to Texans:
Yes, you too can live like an oil tycoon
FASHION
L I S T E N . T O . Y O U R . W I F E , - D A N
Yes, Dan, the main reason why you should definitely retire here is that you will save a fortune in hair products. Just get yourself one of those ten gallon hats.

DISCLAIMER

Yes, I know it's unfair to mention the snow, since it depends which area you live in, and it will generally be a lot hotter than Chicago, and that it's unfair to mention the greenhouse gasses when Texas refines oil for the whole of the US. Any subliminal messages are entirely coincidental. This blog is not sponsored by the Texas Tourism Board. Or anyone else. Are you still reading this?

25 comments:

Tracy said...

FIRST! YES!!!!

Tracy said...

Brain Dear, I thought we were going to Ireland or a tropical island next? You completely skipped my requests and went to Dans? That just doesn't seem fair. Not that I'm bitter.

How much does it cost to get in to see the frozen pet ladies exhibit?

Jean Knee said...

everyone knows Texas is awesome, Brian. I mean, just look at its shape.


where else can you have coyotes in a residential area nosh on your pet cat?

I live very near W's ranch and those jets flying over like it's armageddon are very exciting.

And you haven't lived until you eat some delish Tex Mex--although real Mexican food is to die for--you can sometimes find it here

I could go on but, well why?

Jean Knee said...

Oh, and I've been to south fork, it's right near where I went to college. Go Mean Green.

Jean Knee said...

I have never owned a pair of cowboy boots even though I grew up in the country where cow patty throwing contests were fun F-U-N fun

Jean Knee said...

TMI? whatever, you know I'm fascinating

Bee said...

Um... I think jean knee sold me on moving to Texas oe maybe it was something subliminal or maybe I finally fell off my rocker?

Tracy said...

Jean Knee- Do they have real cowboys? I'll come to Texas if they have cowboys that look like Russell Crow and Christian Bale in 3:10 to Yuma.
You got any of those kinds of cowboys?

Brian o Vretanos said...

Tracy,

We'll get round to the tropical island, never fear.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Bee:
I think she's done a better job of convincing all of us than I did.

Jean Knee:

How much can you pick ranches up for, these days?

Jean Knee said...

tracy, yes we do have real cowboys, they aren't all as hawt as russell crowe and Christian Bale. They do have callused hands and creased necks and nicely defined arm musclea and wear tight wrangler jeans on their tight wrangler asses.

but, some of them chew tobacco ewwww

and of course some of them are fakes.

Jean Knee said...

oh, and they will call you little lady even if you're old like me

Jean Knee said...

Brian, our 2.9 acres was $10,000.
you can find some much cheaper

Plus you can afford a really big house in Texas.

Jean Knee said...

where are you Brian? how dare you disappear like this

Dan said...

Tracy
I guess he just likes me better. I have a cowboy hat but no boots.
I'm going to post about why I think I would make a good Cowboy.

Jean Knee
10,000 dlls for 2.9 acers !!!!!
Was that a long time ago?

Bee
Your're welcome to come visit my mom in Texas anytime.

Brian
That lady that has frozen stuff sounds kind of creepy.

Meg said...

And what about those 'to die for' Texas accents?

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

$10,000? That's about a couple of quid what with the exchange rate and all that...

I'm staying at a hotel in the North of England. They do have the internet up here, but you've got to sit in the hotel bar - it's a terrible hardship. The beer's okay though ;-)

The internet connection is really slow and I've been unable to load your blog. I will comment when I'm able.

Meg:

I hadn't thought about the accent being an attraction... ;-)

Brian o Vretanos said...

Dan:

I don't like you better, I just didn't want the exotic islands post to be something I hastily knocked up in five minutes...

Jean Knee said...

Texas accents are waaay sexy. plus they make you sound uneducated

you know whose accents I hate? those Maine accents-yuck

Dan said...

What state is bigger then Texas?

I understand if you don't want to hurt Tracy's feelings.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

Sexy accents too? Why does anyone want to live anywhere else?

Dan:

I'm not going to give you a lesson in your own country's geography... I'd only look stupid when I got it wrong.

Jean Knee said...

it's prolly alaska

did you hear my accent just now?

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

I heard it - it gave me goose pimples...

Jean Knee said...

I figured

Dan said...

Alaska is not bigger then Texas.