Monday, 29 September 2008

Now You See Me...

Scientists reckon that they have made a significant step forwards in making an invisibility cloak.

My first thought was that these scientists must have really cool job descriptions, which presumably would make them seem less boring at parties, and maybe even give them a chance of getting off with someone. "What do you do?", "I'm working on an invisibility cloak", or "I'm building a teleport". Except I bet they're so geeky that they say something like "I'm conducting research into the feasibility of utilising nanowire technology to synthesize materials with a negative refractive index over a subset of electromagnetic waves, including visible light.", and then go on to say more things like this for hours before they notice that the gorgeous blonde has long since done her own disappearing act.

I envy them. The best I've been able to come up with, "I'm a C programmer. Perhaps you'd like to malloc some space in your diary for a union of aligned structs?" doesn't work as a chat-up-line. Probably.

Anyway, at some point in the future we'll be able to buy clothes that make us invisible, and they'll want someone to help market their product, so I've come up with some selling points:
  • No More Ironing! People have been conned with "wash and wear" clothes in the past, and some still advocate not ironing shirts and drip-drying them. And then wondering why the carpet or the bottom of the wardrobe have gone mouldy. But with invisible clothes you really won't have to bother.
  • They'll Never Go Out of Fashion! No need to worry about colours, patterns, whether the cut is on the bias, or whatever. Invisible is the new black. Or should that be "The new black is Invisible"?
  • No More Diets! Since no-one can see you, why bother? This will really piss off the dieting industry, which will go bankrupt overnight, meaning that they will be forced to live in poverty on bread and water. This is what's known as divine justice.
  • Bad Hair Day? You Need Our Invisible Hat!
  • No More Ugly People! Julia Roberts will receive a complimentary Invisibility Mask.
The Invisible Blogger

Hopefully with all this preparation I'll be well placed to get a high-paid job as a consultant to what will be a multi-billion Pound industry. This will solve all my party problems, as the answer to "What do you do?" will be "I make shit loads of money and my Bentley's waiting outside. Shall we get the chauffeur to take us to your place or mine?". Game Over.

On the other hand, maybe I could make more money working for the Anti-Invisibility Lobby, which will be well-funded by the fashion industry, the dieting con-artists, hair stylists, cosmetic surgeons, paparazzi (and in the US the NRA). So, I've also come up with reasons against it:
  • Accidents: Imagine the carnage on the roads when drivers can't see pedestrians. And people will keep walking into one another.
  • Evil: Murderers, thieves and terrorists will be able to commit their gruesome crimes unwitnessed. Assuming they can find their victims, that is.
  • Extinction: Millennia of human attraction and reproduction will disappear, since people won't be able to see prospective mates.
  • Misery: Practical jokers will love it.
  • A Waste of Money: No-one actually needs this. Murders, thieves, terrorists and Julia Roberts can all do just as well with current balaclava technology. Or a brown paper bag with eye-holes.
I suspect that by the time this material comes out, no-one will want it. Because people will all be sitting isolated in their homes at their computers, and no-one will go out. Online shopping, gaming, chatting and blogging will see to that. And online we're all invisible, apart from flattering pictures allegedly of ourselves. In fact, we're doing this already.

Which I suppose means that this isn't going to be the thing that makes me millions. Oh well, another bright idea that's disappeared...

15 comments:

Bee said...

First!

for a different kind of girl said...

Perhaps you can add adulterors to you list, too! Kids who have failed to study for tests! The money is definitely on the evil sid!

Bee said...

Brian! I originally came via Scarlett so I didn't see the picture but now I'm freaked out! How did you do that??

Brian!! Can you hear me?

Many moons ago. Many. I dated this one guy who went on and on and on about Space, Comic books, Star Wars, Super Heroes, why this graphic artist was fighting this publishing company... I married him. Then again, I'm not blond so...

Jean Knee said...

ha ha great post.


I couldn't help but notice the little stapler effigy sent to you by an adoring fan was not on your desk

Brian o vretanos said...

FADKOG:

Yes.

Bee:

But you probably understood all the words he was using.

Jean Knee:

It's currently on display on a chest of drawers - it moves around, for some reason...

catscratch said...

I would only want to be invisible to watch certain things.

Other than that I would rather see and be seen.

Brian o vretanos said...

Catscratch:

I agree - The only times I've ever really wished I was invisible was as a parent when Helena was a lot younger - like the time in the supermarket when she stood in front of a rather rotund gentleman and said loudly "Daddy, that man's really fat."

Chris Wood said...

A nice thing is that spots will be covered up with nice transparent ointment. So if you have loads of spots it will look like your head is a colander.

Probably.

Brian o vretanos said...

Chris:

That's an interesting idea. It's also just occurred to me that cinemas will be able to give out invisibility hats. Never again will you find that half of the screen is obscured by the large head of the person in front of you...

Kirsten said...

They aren't inventing an invisible cloak! They just think they are because they're such geeks that people always seem to disappear on them. :)

Brian o vretanos said...

Kirsten:

I bet you're right. And I bet that possibility hasn't occurred to them.

Anndi said...

Geeks go to parties?

Anndi said...

OOOH!

Just a thought...

I bet you Osama Bin Laden has funded this research and is currently using the prototype... why else can't they find him?!

Brian o vretanos said...

Anndi,

That would explain it. I thought he'd just changed his facial, like that war criminal guy.

Brian o vretanos said...

"facial hair", that should have said ;-)