Now You See Me...

Scientists reckon that they have made a significant step forwards in making an invisibility cloak.

My first thought was that these scientists must have really cool job descriptions, which presumably would make them seem less boring at parties, and maybe even give them a chance of getting off with someone. "What do you do?", "I'm working on an invisibility cloak", or "I'm building a teleport". Except I bet they're so geeky that they say something like "I'm conducting research into the feasibility of utilising nanowire technology to synthesize materials with a negative refractive index over a subset of electromagnetic waves, including visible light.", and then go on to say more things like this for hours before they notice that the gorgeous blonde has long since done her own disappearing act.

I envy them. The best I've been able to come up with, "I'm a C programmer. Perhaps you'd like to malloc some space in your diary for a union of aligned structs?" doesn't work as a chat-up-line. Probably.

Anyway, at some point in the future we'll be able to buy clothes that make us invisible, and they'll want someone to help market their product, so I've come up with some selling points:

• No More Ironing! People have been conned with "wash and wear" clothes in the past, and some still advocate not ironing shirts and drip-drying them. And then wondering why the carpet or the bottom of the wardrobe have gone mouldy. But with invisible clothes you really won't have to bother.

• They'll Never Go Out of Fashion! No need to worry about colours, patterns, whether the cut is on the bias, or whatever. Invisible is the new black. Or should that be "The new black is Invisible"?
  

• No More Diets! Since no-one can see you, why bother? This will really piss off the dieting industry, which will go bankrupt overnight, meaning that they will be forced to live in poverty on bread and water. This is what's known as divine justice.

• Bad Hair Day? You Need Our Invisible Hat!

• No More Ugly People! Julia Roberts will receive a complimentary Invisibility Mask.
  

The Invisible Blogger

Hopefully with all this preparation I'll be well placed to get a high-paid job as a consultant to what will be a multi-billion Pound industry. This will solve all my party problems, as the answer to "What do you do?" will be "I make shit loads of money and my Bentley's waiting outside. Shall we get the chauffeur to take us to your place or mine?". Game Over.

On the other hand, maybe I could make more money working for the Anti-Invisibility Lobby, which will be well-funded by the fashion industry, the dieting con-artists, hair stylists, cosmetic surgeons, paparazzi (and in the US the NRA). So, I've also come up with reasons against it:

• Accidents: Imagine the carnage on the roads when drivers can't see pedestrians. And people will keep walking into one another.

• Evil: Murderers, thieves and terrorists will be able to commit their gruesome crimes unwitnessed. Assuming they can find their victims, that is.

• Extinction: Millennia of human attraction and reproduction will disappear, since people won't be able to see prospective mates.

• Misery: Practical jokers will love it.

• A Waste of Money: No-one actually needs this. Murders, thieves, terrorists and Julia Roberts can all do just as well with current balaclava technology. Or a brown paper bag with eye-holes.
  

I suspect that by the time this material comes out, no-one will want it. Because people will all be sitting isolated in their homes at their computers, and no-one will go out. Online shopping, gaming, chatting and blogging will see to that. And online we're all invisible, apart from flattering pictures allegedly of ourselves. In fact, we're doing this already.

Which I suppose means that this isn't going to be the thing that makes me millions. Oh well, another bright idea that's disappeared...