Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Wordy Wednesday: The Motion Picture

I'm going to write about my day. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I didn't get abducted by aliens or a group of desperate nymphomaniacs, nor did I get blown to Oz by a hurricane, (or by a group of desperate nymphomaniacs, for that matter).

This is might be a problem, because when I come to sell the film rights of my autobiography, the Hollywood producers might want a bit more than "Wednesday: Went to work (avoiding the dog muck on the path). Wrote some rubbish in my blog". Nevertheless, I've adapted my experiences for the Big Screen.

I haven't yet decided what type of film I want them to make, so I've prepared some alternatives, all of which begin with my walk to work through the park.


CSI: UK

Quick-cut shots of: Yellow tape, the body, squad cars. BOV walking towards the scene, taking off his sunglasses

BOV: Okay, Doc, what we got?

Doc: Male, mid-30s, no ID, though his cell phone was found smashed 2 metres away.

BOV (bending over the corpse): Hmmmm. Definitely some high velocity spatter.

Doc: Yes, probably from sea gulls, or pigeons, judging by the texture and taste. I've sent samples to the lab.

BOV: And the cause of death?

Doc: Well, from the positioning, and the injuries sustained to his knees and elbows, I'd say that the victim was doing star jumps when he slipped on a dog turd and sustained a fatal blow to the head.

BOV: I see. Get that shit analysed, then we'll put out an APB on the dog. Cleaning up this town's going to be harder that I thought...

Le Parc

Long, lingering shots of a sunny, Autumnal day in the park. Children are playing, lovers are laughing and occasionally punching one another. Brian Le Breton has paused to watch them, eventually sitting on a bench, a smile here, a frown there showing his reactions to all that is going on. The reactions of a detached observer, not part of this melee.

[Half an hour later]

BLB sees a woman walking purposefully along the path. He stops being detached and starts looking interested. Their eyes meet, he looks meaningfully. She frowns and averts her eyes. He sticks his leg out. She trips and lands spreadeagled on the path.

BLB (picking up her handbag): Excusez moi, Madame.

Woman (starts to get up and takes her handbag): Merci, Monsieur.

BLB (shaking his head despairingly and pointing at piles of shit on the path by way of explanation): La Merde de chien. (he motions for her to sit down).

BLB pulls out a half-eaten sandwich from his rucksack, tearing it in two, and gallantly offering her the bit without the teeth marks. She takes it, still shaking from her ordeal.

Over the shared sandwich, washed down by a flask of Chateau Pisse des Chats 1992 (which she finds in her handbag whilst looking for her lipstick), they discuss philosophy and life. She explains that to be eternal, love must be abstract and unfulfilled. BLB argues (without success) that eternity wouldn't begrudge them a quick fifteen minutes of fulfilment.

[two and a half hours later]

They get up from the park bench and walk away in opposite directions.

FIN


The Day After

BOV, hung over from a night at the pub, stumbles through the park on his way to work, when all of a sudden there is a blinding flash.

Long shot of mushroom cloud, and Britain being devastated by a nuclear explosion.

Everything is covered with white dust. All is silent. Camera pans across a scene of destruction. Cars on the road are stationary.

BOV crawls out from behind a large fallen tree. He dusts himself down: I knew I shouldn't have stopped for that Chinese on the way home last night...

Michael Caine (off camera): You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!


Based on a True Story (some details may have been altered slightly for cinematic purposes). And yes, these events happened on Tuesday, not Wednesday, but it's not called Wordy Tuesday, is it?

23 comments:

Chris Wood said...

First!

Chris Wood said...

That sounds like a perfectly reasonably piece of autobiography, omitting no important details and embellishing nothing.

Hmm ...

Jean Knee said...

wow Brian, your life makes my "normally so compelling life" seem so very shallow and berdft of action.

I'll show you a fun shot from my life on Wordless Wednesday

Jean Knee said...

I meant bereft

Bee said...

There is nothing worse than stepping in dog poop. Yuck.

That’s all I got for now. My brain is currently submerged in mustard.

Bee said...

I'm back at work and can't concentrate.

Chris Wood said...

I suggest you skive for at least two days. I mean, you have had quite an ordeal so rushing into too much may cause damage in the long run. You're actually SAVING your employers' time and money this way.

Honest.

Brian o vretanos said...

Bee:

Chris is right - there's no point being at work if you can't concentrate on the important things, like blogs ;-)

I'm glad your back in the sense that it's good about you being able to go places again.

Chris:

The adaptations follow the normal Hollywood guidelines for staying true to real events: You're allowed to add some love interest, the odd body, etc, provided it serves to reinforce the central message and, most importantly, nets them a bigger box office.

Jean Knee:

What are you talking about? You have gustanados and rampant cocks, not to mention headless fluorescent ponies. I'm sure you could get Tim Burton to do the film of your life.

Jean Knee said...

you're right Brian. I just recieved some brick dust from actual bricks from the house where a famous double ax murder ocurred.

you don't think it's a hoax do you?

Brian o vretanos said...

What's a double ax?

I shouldn't think anyone would bother perpetrating such a hoax - it's not as if people would be gullible enough to pay money for brick dust, surely?

It should presumably be possible to analyse the dust for the victims' DNA. Of course, this will (a) cost money, and (b) use up some or all of the dust.

It would have been better if you could have got hold of a whole brick.

Jean Knee said...

I'm sure its real.

I bought my niece an actual piece of the Berlin Wall. It came from the George Bush Library complete with commy graffiti. had to be real.

Brian o vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

There's no way they could forge that.

I've just remembered that I have a whole stash of stuff, which you're welcome to buy off me. Including genuine pieces of Buckingham Palace (complete with blue bloodstains), a tea bag from the Boston Tea Party, not to mention a piece of straw from the roof of Anne Hathaway's Cottage.

for a different kind of girl said...

You sell this pitch as a CSI deal and that gig gets picked up on TV for a few seasons, you've got yourself a lucrative syndication package to settle in with. I say always go with your first choice!

Bee said...

It's best for me to be here relaxing than at home working.

Brian o vretanos said...

FADKOG:

Thanks for the advice. I'd love to star in a CSI spin-off, that would definitely be my first choice.

You're obviously more experienced in this area than me - since you're looking for a new post, perhaps you could be my agent.

Bee:

Good point.

Brian o vretanos said...

Bee:

You'll have to go home soon, though. You've already got 4 BLT orders waiting...

Bee said...

Fine but it'll be
BYOB
Bring your own bacon.

Dan said...

My Brain isn't working right now, I read the whole thing and have no idea what to comment.
This pisses me off!
I normally leave somthing funny or at least I come up with somthing to say, but for some reason this post has left me speachless without nothing to say...so I won't.

Brian o vretanos said...

Dan:

I think I'll choose to take that as a compliment ;-)

Anndi said...

No zombies? I always have zombies in my cinematographic version of life with Anndi.

Maybe you could film it in smellovision so we can fully experience the dog droppings.

I have an endless supply of those btw as I have two dogs. May I work as Prop Mistress?

Brian o vretanos said...

Anndi:

I knew I'd forgotten something. Maybe I could write in some zombie dogs...

Yes, of course you can be Poop Mistress - no doubt all the location shots will be done in Canada anyway.

catscratch said...

I'd have to alter all aspects of mine for readability. I'm totally boring.

Brian o vretanos said...

Catscratch:

I find that extremely difficult to believe. Not that the odd thermonuclear explosion ever goes amiss ;-)