Saturday, 3 January 2009

Looking Forwards

It's almost obligatory for the first post of the year to be about the coming twelve months. Bee has already christened this year the year of the Hot Dog. I'm sure that when the Chinese started naming their years after animals, they were considering the culinary possibilities, so it seems only right for us in the West to do something similar. I hope that 2010 will be the year of the Cheese Burger.

I'm no good at resolutions, or even at unresolutions, so instead here is my proposed list of the highlights of 2009:

January:
Americans will of course be focussing on the Inauguration of Barack Obama. Immediately after the ceremony he announces that Homer Simpson will be Secretary of Culture. After due consideration, the best legal brains in the country determine that this is okay, since the Constitution only states that appointees have to be American - it does not require that they actually exist. Simpson's first action is to officially declare 2009 The Year of the Hot Dog.

February:
On Friday 13th at 23:21:30 GMT (at least according to Wiki), The time on Unix/Linux computers will be 1234567890 seconds (since the beginning of the "Epoch").

Non-Geeks will instead be watching this month's Oscars, where most of the traditional categories will be replaced by new ones including "Best Money Maker", "Most Politically Correct Picture", "Most Overrated Star" and "Most Embarrassing Acceptance Speech".

March:

Although clocks are scheduled to go forwards this month, the international community has a rare moment of common sense and abolishes this silly practice.

April:

Easter is almost cancelled due to the ongoing economic crisis and dangerous speculation in the global chocolate futures market. However, world governments decide that it would be wrong to allow the de-commercialisation of this festival, especially with the churches threatening to turn it into some kind of religious event, which would obviously be unthinkable, and bail out the greeting card companies to the tune of $100 billion.

May:

The Eurovision Song Contest is held in Moscow. In a departure from 50-odd years of tradition, the voting is to be based on the quality of the songs, rather than geopolitical considerations.

June:

UK Meteorologists predict that the much awaited Global Warming might actually kick in this year in time for a great summer - The rain stops in Manchester for a record 48-hour period.


July:

Meteorologists admit they were only kidding as we have another wet and miserable summer.

August:

In an attempt to be more enviromentally friendly, all the motorways are shut for the August Bank Holiday. The British refuse to let this spoil their fun, and spend Saturday sitting in their cars on the driveway, Sunday walking in the rain, and Monday back in their cars.

September:

This month is abolished, as it's rather dull and boring, and no-one can get to work because of leaves on the railway lines.

October:

Scientists succeed in creating genetically modified "living" skeletons which are deployed on Halloween to scare the crap out of trick or treaters.

November:

A massive Bonfire Night display is held on the Moon. This way it can be seen in more parts of the world, and it can't be rained off. Unfortunately it is not really visible in Britain due to clouds.

December:

The Coca-Cola Company announce that Santa Claus has been given a major revamp to match 21st Century reality. In an era where no-one has chimneys and everyone can see on Google Earth that there's bugger all in Lapland (and certainly not a thriving games console industry), the new Santa will be located in the magical land of eBay, and his messengers will take the form of postmen. Children will send him their lists online, and parents simply have to log on with their PayPal details.

Of course as usual things may not go entirely to plan...

15 comments:

Jean Knee said...

First

March seems okay as long as the Cadbury mini eggs are not messed with in any way

Jean Knee said...

August is my favorite :)

Jean Knee said...

It does get on my nerves how the Churches have to always try to religitize cosumerist Holidays

dan said...

Sounds like a fun year.
A year from now you can re-post this post and use it as your year in review.

Brian o vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

I'm sure the mini eggs will remain unharmed.

I love "religitize" - I hope it catches on.

Dan:

That's a great idea, I might just do that.

Bee said...

Homer! Homer! Homer!! Our country would rock if he was in charge. All booze and no work.

I will donate everything I can to keep the chocolatiers in business. One must make certain sacrifices you know.

Brian o vretanos said...

Bee:

You're so selfless...

No Cool Story said...

I vote for March.
Yes indeed. March has my vote.

PS: Stop being first over at Jean Knee's.

Chris Wood said...

Wahey! 48 hours without rain! In your face Hawaii!

Brian o vretanos said...

NCS:

I totally agree.

If you want me to stop being first, you'll just have to be quicker off the mark...

Chris:

Who wants to go to somewhere like Hawaii, where they have hurricanes and things? We're definitely better off here. If only we could import some of those girls in grass skirts...

Jean Knee said...

my mother in law has a grass skirt. I'm just sayin..

catscratch said...

I'm hoping you're right about October... that would be soooo cool.

Tracys Ramblings said...

First of all, I object to September being abolished as it is the month of my birth. What will I have to whine and complain about if I don't have a birthday?

Tracys Ramblings said...

And I also disagree with December. I think that since Santa is getting all of the credit for the great gifts that the children recieve, he should finally start footing the bill too.
It's funny, the gifts keep getting smaller but the price tags keep getting bigger.

Brian o vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

I was sort of thinking of a grass skirt and not much else - maybe one of those flowering hula hoops. I'm presuming your MIL doesn't go in for that...

Catscratch:

Let's hope those scientists come up with the goods.

Tracy:

I'm doing you a favour - you'll never have another birthday, so you'll not get any older.