Looking Forwards

It's almost obligatory for the first post of the year to be about the coming twelve months. Bee has already christened this year the year of the Hot Dog. I'm sure that when the Chinese started naming their years after animals, they were considering the culinary possibilities, so it seems only right for us in the West to do something similar. I hope that 2010 will be the year of the Cheese Burger.

I'm no good at resolutions, or even at unresolutions, so instead here is my proposed list of the highlights of 2009:

January:
Americans will of course be focussing on the Inauguration of Barack Obama. Immediately after the ceremony he announces that Homer Simpson will be Secretary of Culture. After due consideration, the best legal brains in the country determine that this is okay, since the Constitution only states that appointees have to be American - it does not require that they actually exist. Simpson's first action is to officially declare 2009 The Year of the Hot Dog.

February:
On Friday 13th at 23:21:30 GMT (at least according to Wiki), The time on Unix/Linux computers will be 1234567890 seconds (since the beginning of the "Epoch").

Non-Geeks will instead be watching this month's Oscars, where most of the traditional categories will be replaced by new ones including "Best Money Maker", "Most Politically Correct Picture", "Most Overrated Star" and "Most Embarrassing Acceptance Speech".

March:

Although clocks are scheduled to go forwards this month, the international community has a rare moment of common sense and abolishes this silly practice.

April:

Easter is almost cancelled due to the ongoing economic crisis and dangerous speculation in the global chocolate futures market. However, world governments decide that it would be wrong to allow the de-commercialisation of this festival, especially with the churches threatening to turn it into some kind of religious event, which would obviously be unthinkable, and bail out the greeting card companies to the tune of $100 billion.

May:

The Eurovision Song Contest is held in Moscow. In a departure from 50-odd years of tradition, the voting is to be based on the quality of the songs, rather than geopolitical considerations.

June:

UK Meteorologists predict that the much awaited Global Warming might actually kick in this year in time for a great summer - The rain stops in Manchester for a record 48-hour period.


July:

Meteorologists admit they were only kidding as we have another wet and miserable summer.

August:

In an attempt to be more enviromentally friendly, all the motorways are shut for the August Bank Holiday. The British refuse to let this spoil their fun, and spend Saturday sitting in their cars on the driveway, Sunday walking in the rain, and Monday back in their cars.

September:

This month is abolished, as it's rather dull and boring, and no-one can get to work because of leaves on the railway lines.

October:

Scientists succeed in creating genetically modified "living" skeletons which are deployed on Halloween to scare the crap out of trick or treaters.

November:

A massive Bonfire Night display is held on the Moon. This way it can be seen in more parts of the world, and it can't be rained off. Unfortunately it is not really visible in Britain due to clouds.

December:

The Coca-Cola Company announce that Santa Claus has been given a major revamp to match 21st Century reality. In an era where no-one has chimneys and everyone can see on Google Earth that there's bugger all in Lapland (and certainly not a thriving games console industry), the new Santa will be located in the magical land of eBay, and his messengers will take the form of postmen. Children will send him their lists online, and parents simply have to log on with their PayPal details.

Of course as usual things may not go entirely to plan...