Monday, 22 December 2008

One Careful Owner


Nasa have announced that they're selling a couple of their Space Shuttles. Although I wasn't planning to change my car in just yet, it has got me thinking. There would be definite advantages to owning your own space ship:

Pulling Power: Women think the stars are romantic, and now you can take her to see them. Just don't get too geeky and start naming them all. Oh, and goodbye Mile High Club, Hello Zero Gravity Sex.

Easy Commute: There's very little traffic in space, and no speed limits. Sell your house, live in a really cheap part of the world like a millionaire, and still be the first in to the office each day.

Handy for Shopping: There's a roomy boot (trunk in American), which will hold up to 24,000 kilos (53,000 lb in American). Even Bee can't buy that many shoes in one go, surely?

The Ultimate SUV: It uses an astronomical amount of fuel, holds eleven people and won't fit in your garage. Your average SUV freak would part with vital organs for one of these. It's amazing that they only think they'll be able to sell two of them.

Of course, as with all "bargains", there's usually a catch. Otherwise the current owners wouldn't be so eager to part with them:

Zero Gravity Sex: This is likely to take some practice and care. Fluids have a nasty habit of floating around. Also, be careful not to inadvertently knock any of the guidance controls - it's a big universe, and there's no GPS up there.

Expensive Commute: At a cost of $1.5 billion per journey, you might want to consider a private jet instead.

Not Handy for the Shops: Parking is going to be a little bit of an issue, even in the US. Most shopping malls don't have their own 2 mile-long runways.

Poor Safety Record: Although most 4x4 nuts don't mind the fact that their vehicles are a lot less safe in a crash, even they may be a little dismayed by the fact that the shuttle has blown up twice in 100-odd journeys.

Anyway, I'm still wondering whether or not they'll give me a good enough trade-in on my Skoda to make the monthly payments bearable...

18 comments:

Jean Knee said...

FIRST!


ha ha everybody is out shopping except me.haaa

Jean Knee said...

Fluids have a nasty habit of floating around

ewww

Jean Knee said...

do you think it comes with directions or are you just on your own.

I don't know Brian, there seem to be too many murky areas (prolly from the fluids eww) for it to be a viable option for you

Brian o vretanos said...

Jean Knee:

Presumably there's a manual of some kind ("Congratulations on purchasing the STS Space Shuttle..."), and probably about 10,000 pages of disclaimers and safety warnings.

"Warning: Rockets may get hot enough to burn."

"Be careful when exiting the vehicle in space."

"Select a launch site well away from neighbouring houses, and ensure that there are no stray pets"

etc...

Bee said...

ummmm ewwww

Bee said...

It's funny that you are talking about zero gravity because mine is all about gravity. Very grave gravity.

I'd buy it but I'd keep in my backyard to scare off the squirrels.

catscratch said...

I'd still be willing to participate in the zero gravity sex thing... could be fun with practice.

Brian o vretanos said...

Bee:

There would be no squirrels after you lit the rocket boosters (or however you start them).

Catscratch:

You could end up with a space-age Karma Sutra. Some people might find the suits a turn-on as well ;-)

for a different kind of girl said...

It's got a lot of fine selling points, but the downsides definitely have me thinking it would be worth dickering with NASA on the price a little bit. They'd probably get pesky, though, and put it on eBay with that "but it now!" option.

Brian o vretanos said...

FADKOG:

Given that they spent $180 billion on the shuttle program, I don't expect they'll be in the mood to barter. They claim that the postage and packing is going to cost them $6 million as it is...

Tracys Ramblings said...

EEEEEElllleeevennnnth!

Tracys Ramblings said...

I think it could be the perfect family car. It has a big "boot" as you call it, that will hold everything from groceries to bicycles to um...well, everything else.
Since it seats 11, it would be great for carpooling. And it would be perfect for a little homeschool education.
At school, they only have maps of stars. In your vehicle, you can take them right to the stars. Perfect.
I think this would definately help me win that "My kid is smarter than your kid" pissing match amongst the other mothers.

Brian o vretanos said...

Tracy:

You're probably the only one of us who owns enough land to build a launchpad, so I definitely think you should get in touch with NASA and explain to them why Rambling Acres would be the ideal home for a shuttle. What's really cool is that they'll deliver it on top of a 747 - you really will be envy of all your neighbours...

Chris Wood said...

Brilliant idea in principle, but try passing your test in one of those. That reverse parking is NOT going to get any easier, you know!

Brian o vretanos said...

Chris:

That's a very good point - I hadn't thought of that. Of course, in my day, they didn't have any parking tests, which explains why I'm no good at that particular skill.

I always liked the idea of taking my test in a road roller, because you would be exempt from having to do the "turn in the road". Though you'd probably have to drive road rollers for the rest of your life, and whilst you're going to impress the girls when you tell them you drive a Roller, you won't get a second date ;-)

No Cool Story said...

With the lower gas prices (in the US) this could actually work...
What do you mean it doesn't use gas?

Brian o vretanos said...

NCS:

One of the fuels it uses is aluminium - I don't know if you can bung your cutlery in whole, or what. It has three different types of fuel, which it makes it a hybrid. And hybrids are eco-friendly, right?

Brian o vretanos said...

Maybe you could convert the rockets to run on jelly babies...