Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Wordy Wednesday - Talking Shit

Okay, so how many of you have just read the title of this post and said to yourselves, "Same as always, then?". Please don't answer that.

Years ago, they had two designers on a TV programme re-designing the toilet. They looked at why current models are so, em, crap. One problem is that the British Standard that addresses the ability of Water Closets to send whatever one has deposited on its way to the sewers is possibly not demanding enough.

They use something that is the size and shape of a ping pong ball. If they pull the chain and ball is propelled out of the pipe at the back, then the crapper in question is deemed fit for purpose.

A piece of shit, apparently.

This is perhaps TMI, but I personally do not shit ping pong balls. If I did, I would be seeking immediate medical advice. Or giving up eating spag. bol. at the local sports centre (the food there's tasteless anyway).

All of which explains why I seem to spend so much of my time armed with a toilet brush. Again, TMI, I suppose.

The designers decided to check out the state of the art in Dunny Design (as our Australian friends would say), by going to Japan. There they perform more realistic tests, including cramming huge amounts of toilet paper into the bowl. Having said that, I suspect that using the facilities there would be rather scary:

This is a Japanese Lavatory Control Panel. The ones they have in NASA for launching rockets are probably less complicated. Though I bet they don't have such entertaining symbols on their buttons.

Talking about NASA, my cistern has started making noises that sound like it's about to lift off. Presumably this is something to do with air getting into the water filling mechanism. Maybe I could tune it to play specific notes, and make it an honorary member of the Blogger Band - ideal for performing Latrine Dance music.

Sheet Music

On which fragrant note I'll leave you.

I'm away again this week - back at the weekend.


Kat said...

Yeah well the things you do to make your crap stay down. Somehow I have pictures of a mafia mob in my mind now.

That Japanese lavatory control panel however is the reason I will not be looking to fly to Japan any time soon. They wash and dry and spray your ass on the toilets - who knows what else they'll do to you and God be with you if you push the wrong button

Chris Wood said...

Not first!!!

Chris Wood said...


Chris Wood said...

Bizarrely enough I needed a plumber last week to fix my khazi. Toilet control panels in Japan, eh? Makes me wish I had someone to explain to me what each of those buttons does!

Jean Knee said...

yeah, I just like to dump and flush and not think too much about it. unless the dumped object has an interesting shape or something.

In "Running with Scissors" (autobiographical by Augusten Burroughs, again don't read) The shrink in the story has his family fish out his feces and place them on a picnic table in the backyard so the doctor can study them and predict the future by which direction the ends are pointing and other sad stuff.

for a different kind of girl said...

I love learning all these new words for the toilet, but now I am scared of the Japanese model!

Dan said...

I wouldn't trust a toilet that can only handle a ping pong ball.

Anndi said...

I saw Nick Frost flush a cake once...

Jean Knee said...

oh my gawwd Anndi, was it a urinal cake?

cuz I read a book where a guy covers a urinal cake with chocolate, puts it in a pretty box then gives it to his girl friend. something tells me I've already told this tale :(

anybody remember that comment?

Bee said...

I remember jean knee and it always brings a smile to my face!

Also, that new fangled gadget in the Asian country would make me not want to use the bathroom ever again. Of course I'd probably die then.

Jean Knee said...

how often do I repeat comments? just wondering. In the south telling the same stuff over and over is a good thing, not a sign of senility

Jean Knee said...

how many times have I said the one about the shrink's turds?

Bee's Dark Side said...


Hey um, don't forget to go to Angry Seafood and leave a comment. I am high on coffee and my meeting is in about an hour so I'm freaking out! Don't mean to guilt you into it though. Yes I do.


I can't leave a comment from scarlett so I had to sneak to the reception desk.

Anndi said...

Jean... nope, an actual black forest cake. The red from the cherries was a tad, unnerving.

Jean Knee said...


Tracys Ramblings said...

Brian Dear,
Where do you think you're going again?
I just got my damn computer to work, somewhat, only to come over here and read that you're leaving?
And what's worse, if we should come to check to see if you've posted during the week, we will be reminded of know.....dookey.
And I'm a lady, I don't pong balls.

Tracys Ramblings said...

On a different note, my center child always forgets to flush. What is wrong with this kid? And you'll ask her "Hey, did you flush?" and she says "Yeah" but then you go in later to use it and get to see the "surprise" she left you.
I've started calling her "The Turd Burgler"

Tracys Ramblings said...

And Jean Knee- I've seen the movie, why don't I want to read the book?
And Ladies don't say "dump and flush" dear.

Bee said...

OMG Tracy! You crack me up!

Brian o vretanos said...


If you went to Japan you'd have to take your own portaloo...


Indeed ;-)

Jean Knee:

I won't read that book.


Yes, it does look daunting.


Me neither. Sadly that's what we get. As far as I can tell, the ones in the US aren't muc
h better.


That sounds like a waste of good cake.

Jean Knee:

I wouldn't worry about repeating comments. No-one notices. I've been repeating the same 5
blog posts for months and no-one has said anything ;-)




I'm going nowhere. I've already been, so you don't need to worry. A burgglar using the fa
cilities would have to be very stupid, as they'd be leaving a huge hunk of DNA behind.

Anndi said...

It was, Brian. I cried a little.