Παγκόσμιος Πρόεδρος;

I spent a depressing hour last night watching a debate about the (Cypriot) 2008 Presidential Elections. Depressing, because I couldn't understand more than a few words of what they were saying.

It's so much better in places like Britain where we have elections at short notice. In countries where they have fixed elections, they bang on about it for months in advance. The Americans spend years on it, and then no-one votes anyway.

One day, we'll have a World Federation or something, and it'll be even worse to elect a World President. So, I'm compiling a list of candidates well in advance.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger - This needs no explanation. His film-making days are over. Help keep it that way, and vote Arnie. His lack of English should make his speeches nice and short, always a good quality in a politician.

• Italian Porn Star - All elections need one of these. Provides for more entertaining photo opportunities. Of course in the end it's policies that count, and hers will be well-formed and silicone-free.

• Boris Johnson - The honest politician. Says what he thinks, which may lead to the odd war now and then, but this will give the military something constructive to do. Vote Johnson and prove that the World has not lost its sense of humour.

Whoever wins the election won't actually have long to do too much damage, since I'll soon stage my coup and then rule with a benign dictatorship. If it was the Italian porn star, then I may let her serve under me.

I've not fully worked out all of my policies yet, but the State will be taking over green bean production, and every citizen will be issued with a tin per week. Football (i.e. Soccer) and Telesales will be outlawed, and everyone will be happy. By order.

And we won't need any more of these annoying and boring elections.