Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Daylight Robbery

Dick Turpin

I don't generally post rants, but I suppose this is one. If you disagree, or if you are one of the people I'm ranting about - (i) Don't take it personally, and (ii) I'm quite happy to be persuaded that I'm wrong, so please feel free to try!

I think I've mentioned before my master plan to rule the world with a benign dictatorship, beloved by all my subjects (or else they'll get slapped with a wet piece of celery). Well, today strengthened my resolve to do something about the modern-day highwaymen.

I went into town to do some Christmas shopping. Several times I was accosted by people who really wanted to talk to me. I don't know what they wanted to talk to me about, because I didn't stop. They were no doubt either trying to sell me something or conducting some kind of survey.

I never stop for these people. If they're trying to sell me something, then it must be something I don't want, or that's overpriced. If it was as good as they're going to try and persuade me then they wouldn't need to employ people to try and mug me in the streets - they'd sell it in a shop or online. In fact, they wouldn't need to advertise because news of this fantastic offer would spread like wildfire.

Maybe they're being paid to do a survey. I've no problem with answering their questions provided that they pay me as well. However, if they expect me to give up my time for free, they've got no hope. My time isn't free. Neither is my car's time, at least not whilst it's parked in town.

So, although they don't have guns, and it is possible to avoid them, I still think that these people are modern-day highwaymen and highwaywomen. They want to swindle me out of my time or my money. People stop because they're too polite not to, then get given the hard sell. I don't think this is right.

They used to hang the likes of Dick Turpin. I'm not sure that's fair, so my penalty for this crime (unsolicited selling) will be fines, which will be given to shoppers who will spend it on whatever goods they choose. The goods will be given to the offenders. Obviously the aim is to buy rubbish and useless items (plots of land on the moon, timeshares in Bognor, watches that don't work, perfume that smells like rat's piss, etc).

But surely the "muggers" are just poor people who are struggling to make a living? They can't get a proper job, so are working for starvation wages plus "comission", which they never earn because they can't sell enough of the crap that they're peddling? I do feel sorry for them, and my real problem is with the people who run these businesses.

Not being one for conflict, I generally try and keep my distance, and if they do manage to talk to me I usually say "sorry" and walk briskly on. However, on my way back to my car I simply ignored a pushy woman who shouted something about how rude I was. Not like her, then.

She'd better find another job before I become dictator...

12 comments:

Dan said...

I think you should carry your wet piece of celery with you at all times and as soon as someone comes near pull it out and hold it above your head, but be careful as some might think it's a misseltoe.

Last time I went to a beach in Mexico we had people on us ALL THE TIME trying to sell us time share, now they are the worst !
Dan

Bee said...

I don't know why but "wet piece of celery" ALWAYS cracks me up! Dan, you should have bought that time share. Acapulco sounds good right now.

Bee said...

Eons ago, when I worked at the chicken place, I had to take a bus that I would get by the mall. There was this shortie girl who was a survey person and we learned not to mess with each other.
The last time I went to that mall she was still working there, we looked at each other then moved on.

Bee said...

Eye of The Tiger.

Jean Knee said...

oh my gawwwwd, I'm surprised you were able to go to work today!!!
At least they didn't spray you with the offending rat's piss perfume. that happens here a lot, not to me though cuz as soon as I see them I yell out allergic and throw my hand up.
watch how it goes:

rat's piss perfume peddlar looks my way

ALLERGIC!!!! throw up hand

rat's piss perfume peddlar: blink

Bee said...

I once got a $50 gift card from FKA Marshall Fields cuz I asked an old lady not to spray me because I am allergic to perfume on my skin (I can apply it to my hair only) she sprayed my hand and I immediately had a reaction.
Now I'm thinking I could have gotten more...

Jean Knee said...

you could try it again and scream and foam

and yell attorney!!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Dan:

Great idea! I think that the mistletoe might be a more effective deterrent ;-)

Jean Knee:

I suspect they wouldn't have attempted to spray me, thankfully.

Bee:

I'm sure someone in your position could do a lot better. You just need to find the most expensive allergy, and say you've got that...

Bee said...

In my position? You mean the sitting position? ;op

Brian o Vretanos said...

You mean you don't stand up when you read my blog? That's disrespectful to a future world leader - There'll be a wet piece of celery coming your way if you're not careful...

Bee said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!
Why does that crack me up??? I really want to know. [saluting, standing on my tippy-toes]

asswipe lettuce lover said...

asswipe lettuce is a much better thing to slap someone with.....