Sex Sells

An Italian undertaker has decided to update the traditional "understated" marketing techniques. He has produced a calendar with attractive models draped over coffins. He has been criticised by the Catholic church, but says that the calendars are very popular and that undertaking, like any other business, needs to be properly advertised.

One could argue that the use of models in old adverts for cigarettes was more gruesome - after all, the undertaker isn't actually advertising something that will kill you.

Although some people lament the use of scantily-clad women in advertising, I don't think that companies have yet realised the full potential of this technique. The following are sadly lacking in sexy marketing:

• Green Beans - Well, I had to include them, didn't I? The tins are really very boring. We all know what beans look like, so why not instead have a reclining model wearing nothing but some strategically placed Green Bean Casserole? I couldn't find any pictures like this on the internet, amazingly.

• Organ Donation - This is surely open to all sorts of racy slogans "Hello Boys! Let us have your organs!", etc.

• Power tools - you're trying to sell these mainly to men - we don't want to see pictures of some square-jawed guy. We want bikini-clad blondes. "You'll really impress the girls with this in your tool box."

• Clam Juice - The model is oiling herself with it. There's not a clever reason for this, it's just that it would give Andy an excuse to spend time looking at it.

• Home Insurance - "Even if you aren't lucky enough to count her amongst your home contents, you still need to look after what you do have."

• Double glazing - "There are other ways to keep warm, but if you're married you'll probably need our super insulating windows."

After all, most people who see an advert don't actually buy the crappy product, so they might as well make them nice to look at.