Monday, 29 October 2007

I Dream of Jean Knee


Around this time of year, people's thoughts turn to scary things. I had decided to do some research into the scariest thing I could think of. Spiders? No, The Psycho Woman herself - the one known only as Jean Knee...

I'm afraid my driving was a bit erratic - I could hardly concentrate as I drove the once busy highway that had fallen into disuse after the Interstate was built in '59. I moved forward in fits and starts, as my foot trembled uncontrollably on the gas pedal. It must have been those Chicken McNuggets, but I had to get to a toilet fast...

Finally, I saw it. Another shadow on this dark unlit hellish road. The old sign was faded, and I could make out the delapidated huts, as I turned into the car park. I cut the engine and got out of the car. It was a black moonless night and it was raining heavily, despite the fact that I'd set off two hours ago at noon on a sunny summer's day. Bad places are like that.

Several weeks of inquiries had led me to this place. I had scoured Texas, talking to the shadier characters in that massive state (everything's bigger there). Finally, I had come across an old toothless gypsy. She asked me to cross her palm with a silver dollar. I told her I could get her a discount at my dentists, but she said no, she'd rather have the silver. Fair enough. She looked at my palm, and screamed.

I looked, and saw that it was blood red.

"It's okay", I said, "that's off the hot dog I just had on my way here."

Anyway, after a lot of persuading (and my whole stash of silver dollars), she told me. Everyone knew about Norman Bates and his stuffed mum, but there had been a sister. She had left her family as a young girl, because her brother wouldn't stop cutting up her dolls. She had started a new life in Texas, where apparently she was still living. Like her brother she lived in a fantasy world. One where she pretended she was a wife and mother, and children's party organiser.

The gypsy had reluctantly given me directions to the motel where she said that Jean Knee-Bates was actually living. In fact she'd handed me a leaflet entitled "The Other Bates' Motel", sponsored by the local Tourist Board. And then her eyes had darkened and she had told me not to go there. The place was cursed, and I would meet my doom...

So here I was. I looked around. One of the old huts had a light on! I crept towards it, and peered in through the cracked glass of the window.

There, I could just make her out. Sitting in front of a laptop, a polka-dot covered image on the screen, she was typing madly. Every so often she would throw back her head and scream "The Horror!". It was a gruesome sight.

But even more gruesome was my pressing need to find a bathroom. I dashed into the motel room next door - it wasn't locked. Whilst I was there, I thought I might as well take a shower. After all, surely she wouldn't mind?

The water felt great. My quest had taken up so much of my time that I hadn't had a shower for days. I found myself singing. I felt happy and relaxed.

Suddenly, the curtain was pulled back. All I saw was the gleam of a huge knife (did I tell you, everything's bigger in Texas?).

A final thought went through my head, just before the knife did. I know my singing's not great, and not everyone's a fan of "Volare", but even so, I felt that she was overreacting just a bit...

Then I woke up.

29 comments:

Bee said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT???
WHAT!!???
WHAT!!???

Jean Knee said...

why, Brian how sweet. what made you decide to dedicate a post to me? scared I'll stalk you?

that was an awesome story, I felt like I was really there.

I don't mean to brag but Norman Bate's momma is a reader of my blog. she has even invited me over for dinner, should I go?

I have bloody hand prints on my door...... I really do..... I'll post them later.......I really will

Jean Knee said...

Brian, I truly wouldn't hack you to death in the shower. The most I'd do would be to leave a couple of flesh wounds, they might not even require stitches....

Bee said...

Maybe she just wanted to ask you to cut her a piece of cake...?

Although why she wouldn't wait for you to get out of the shower is a little weird.

Bee said...

Volare is a good song to sing in the shower, you have to be careful not to slip while danicng in there.
Or is that just me?

Jean Knee said...

don't worry bee, I have those tacky adhesive flowers to keep you from slipping


sorry, no,..I don't serve cake in the shower, had to be hacking and slashing

Bee said...

Ha!
Andy won't let me put those down cuz he says it'll mess up the tub. We have a one billion gallon jacuzzi tub that has never been used for jacuzzing.
I just turn on the turbos to clean it.

Brian o Vretanos said...

If Jean Knee came into the shower with anything else in mind other than murder then I would be worried ;-)

Anyway, who eats cake in the bathroom? That's gross!

Tacky adhesive things are awful. They can end up as a greater death hazard when they start unpeeling and you trip on them.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Momma Bates Wants you for Dinner:

The only people who are stupid enough to accept invitations like that are in films...

Jean Knee said...

so,I shouldn't go? Drat, now what to do for dinner on Wednesday......

Jean Knee said...

bee, did you mean chocolate covered urinal cakes? weren't we just talking about those?

Bee said...

Yeah! Yummy chocolate covered urinal cakes! With sprinkles!!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Please, ladies! This is a respectable and decent blog ;-)

Bee said...

Says the man with the poop art!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Ah but that's different you know - that's art ;-)

Bee said...

That's subjective...

Brian o Vretanos said...

No, there's a simple way to tell.

If you can flog your cakes for thousands then it's art.

Bee said...

jean knee and I are pass off buckets of foreign dog poop as "art".

Maybe you'll be our first buyer???

Bee said...

uh... "gonna pass off"

Jean Knee said...

brian, brian, oh Brian, we'll corrupt you yet

Jean Knee said...

I may be adopting a new little girl soon. so excited.
Elastic keeps trying to make me take one of her boys but I'm holding out for the girl. woo hoo


oh, sorry, thought I was on Bee's blog

Bee said...

So is your day dragging now that your body feels like it's 3 but the clock says it's only 2?

Jean Knee said...

what, did I miss daylight saving's time? forgot to fall back,..
again

or do you mean Brian

Jean Knee said...

brian, bloody hand prints will be up later today, along with some special decorations just for you.

try to contain your excitement, I know it's hard

Jean Knee said...

okay, they may be up tomorrow, but well, whatever

Bee said...

What's going on?
No post for today?
7 minutes to Emilia.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Bee:

Total lack of inspiration. However, I've just posted something. Don't expect much, though...

someGirl said...

Will the next installment be about Jane Elbow?

It was a great story!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Somegirl:

Hmm, that's an idea - I'll have to think about that one!