Tuesday, 30 October 2007

High Spirits

Picture the scene. A traditional drawing room, lit only by a single candle. The candle is on a circular table, around which are seated four people. A man and woman in their 40s, a younger woman, and a large middle-aged ostentatiously dressed lady.

"Are we ready?" Asks Madame Affrawd. Taking the silence as affirmative, she blows out the candle. There is an atmosphere of tense excitement in the air. Or maybe the brussels sprouts they ate for dinner are repeating on them.

"Hold hands", says Madame A. They do so.

She raises her voice and asks, "Is there anybody there?"

No reply.

"Knock once for yes, twice for no..."

KNOCK!

KNOCK!

One of the ladies gasps.

There is a creaking noise. No-one dares breathe. Some light shines onto the table. The drawing room door slowly opens, and the maid enters. "Excuse me ma'am, I just wondered if you needed anything?"

"I told you we're not to be disturbed!", says Mrs Rogers (the hostess) angrily. "I do apologies, Madame Affrawd, please continue".

They start again.

"Is there anybody there?"

KNOCK!

"O Dear Departed! Speak through your humble servant! Who is it you are looking for?"

Suddenly a trembling disembodied voice rasps: "Archie Rogers!"

"What is it you wish to say to him?"

"I'll be seeing you soon..."

"Em, look..." says Madame A, "Surely you mean that you have a nice message from his mum, or something?"

"No. Tonight he will join me in the hereafter."

"Okay, I can't do this if you're not going to be serious", says Madame Affrawd and stands up. She turns on a light. "Who was making fun of me?"

The others look at one another blankly. "It was a spirit", says Archie, obviously shaken.

"But it can't be!", says Madame A. "There's no such thing, er, I mean... Look I really ought to be going", she says and disappears rapidly.

"Maybe a seance wasn't such a fun idea after all", sighed Mrs Rogers.

"She was a total fraud.", says her husband, regaining his composure.

"Oh Archie, darling, I hope so!" cries his secretary, and then realises what she's said. But it's too late.

"You cheating bastard!" shrieks Mrs Rogers, bringing down the candlestick on her husband's head. A fatal blow.

Later.

In the shadowy world of the afterlife, Archie finds his mate Bill. "I knew it was you! What did you want to do a thing like that for - I had years ahead of me"

"Well, I was getting a bit lonely", rasps Bill (who died young from lung cancer), "and anyway it was only a matter of time before your missus found out. We'll have fun. And, there's plenty of talent here!", he winks.

"Just so long as my wife doesn't get here too soon!", says Archie, and the two pals float off in search of a good time...

25 comments:

Bee said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!
"total lack of inspiration" yeah right!

Bee said...

The part you left out was that Mrs. R. was having an affair with the shoe maker. Since she was cleared of all charges due to the fact that it was a crime of passion where she lost her mind for a minute.

Now her and the shoe maker live happily spending all of Mr. R.'s never having to work again.

The slutty secretary died of pneumonia shortly after being chased out of the house without her coat by Mrs. R. trying to beat her with a candlestick.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Not quite. I think you're right about the secretary's fate, but then Mrs R is full of remorse and kills herself, so Mr R has both of them hassling him for an eternity - poetic justice indeed!

Yes, for some women having an affiar with a shoemaker would indeed be a crime of passion ;-)

Bee said...

No no Brian, I disagree.
Mrs. R. could never leave her shoe collection...

Brian o Vretanos said...

This isn't as funny as fromunda cheese, but maybe you could persuade someone that "Crime Passionnel" was a French dessert made with passion fruit and cream? Someone who was going to eat at a posh place? It would be funny to see them asking for it...

Bee said...

That is pretty funny and Scarecrow would so fall for it and tell me what ingredients are in it and how to make it! :o)

Jean Knee said...

how dare you guys be on my, uh, brian's blog without me! the Horror!!!!!


sorry bout that post not being up yet, but there is a lovely post just below it about dog turds at my kid's party, I know you want to read it

Brian o Vretanos said...

Yes, I read that. You should have gone and crapped in their garden...

Jean Knee said...

I tried that once, they threatened to call the sheriff

some people are just clue-less

Bee said...

Ha! i posted this comment on my blog by mistake! Anyway, here goes...
You should have let them call the sheriff, he might have liked the special trick or was it treat?

Jean Knee said...

I don't know the Sheriff out here yet so I don't know...it does sound all Texan and rough doesn't it...but it's true police won't come out up in herre, you gots to phone up them ere Sheriff and they wear cowboy hats and kewl shades

but they also spit tobacco, I guess everything can't be kewl about em

Bee said...

Don't you mean tuhbahkey? That's how you say it in Tessis!

Jean Knee said...

true story, when I lived on the farm our house was robbed. The sheriff told me if anyone ever got on the property and I was alone to go ahead and shoot them, then drag the body in the house, don't take any chances.

Jean Knee said...

oh yes, yes that's what I meant. another true story, the guy across the street chews that tuhbacky. eww

Bee said...

WoW! I'll tell you when I go visit okay? Then I'll call you from my car when I'm outside of your house m'kay?

Nancy27 said...

That's why one of the reasons that Big Tex wants to move back home. He likes the fact that you can shoot first and ask questions later.

About that dessert.. You have to have mango as a base then mix in all the other funky stuff.. Maybe it should have that fromunda cheese also.. lol...lol

Nancy27 said...

Delete the "WHY" oops!

Bee said...

OH!!!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Bee said...

ALSO!!!
What were to happen if a BEE were to sting you in your eyeball?? Would it be painful??
Interesting...

Brian o Vretanos said...

Nancy:

That's another reason I don't want to live in Texas - If the gigantic spiders don't get me, I'll get shot...

I'm sure fromunda cheese would give Crime Passionnel that extra je ne sais quoi!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Bee: Happy Halloween: Thankyou!

Stinging Eyeball: Is that a threat? Bee's die after they sting...

Bee said...

Did you forget that a new species of spider/bees was discovered?

Entomologists were happy to announce this new discovery on 10/18/07.
They are the ((spiderbeeskickurass)) or “SBEEDER”.
It can take the shape of a spider or a bee depending on its necessity.
The long legs fold into themselves to form wings and a fine silk like substance fills the gaps.

This species can sting you without dying and in fact the Entom dudes have yet to find what can kill them.

They tried dissecting one once only to discover that it leaked poison then regenerated.

They also spin these cool multicolored webs that can be used as shoes in an emergency.

I’m sure you’ll be fine though, this species hasn’t traveled to Europe… yet.

True story.

Nancy27 said...

Wouldn't it be cool to have a "“SBEEDER” as a loyal servant? THink about it, you don't like someone and you just have the “SBEEDER” pay them a visit!

There's a whole sales force of 70 that I would be sending it to!

Ahhhh! That just put a smile on my face! :)

Bee said...

THE SBEEDER SERVES NO ONE!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Nancy:

It would be nice if the SBEEDER did requests - I have a list somewhere...

Bee:

I'd like to see the SBEEDER survive being stamped on, but my weapon of choice would of course be the vacuum cleaner. Nothing can survive in a vacuum without a space suit...