Sunday, 21 October 2007

It Just Takes a Smidgen

This is the Piazza San Marco in Venice. They have recently banned people from feeding the pigeons, because the waste products that they deposit are damaging monuments and causing a public health issue.

Street vendors who make a living selling bird seed in the square are now going to go out of business. Tourists who go to feed the birds won't be able to any more. The pigeons will hang around expectantly wondering where the next meal is coming from. There will be general misery.

This is yet another example of unimaginitive politicians making silly rules without asking me first. Instead of banning the feeding and the sale of food, I would have made a rule requiring all seed sold in the square to be laced with fast-acting poison. That way the seed-sellers could stay in business and the tourists could happily feed the pigeons, who would die before they could make any deposits. In addition there would be opportunities for street vendors selling hot pigeon sandwiches.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanhide!
[Tom Lehrer, Poisoning Pigeons in the Park]

Elsewhere, there are problems with Seagulls. Mainly from their airborne bombing raids, although they occasionally attack people too. The solution is apparently to coat the eggs with oil. Maybe seagulls aren't as gullible as pigeons when it comes to eating poison. Having been at the receiving end of their antisocial behaviour - they got me when I was driving with the window open - I just hope it works. It seems rather pitiful that humans can build complex anti-missile defence shields, but can't stop a few birds - perhaps that can be Bush's next project.

I've got some peanuts here - anyone want one? I thought not.


Bee said...

But!!! What's gonna happen when they start falling from the sky in mid flight bombarding innocent pedestrians?

Bee said...

And!! If they're posioned to death why would I want a pigeon sandwich, won't I be poisoned then?

Bee said...

Also!! This is why you were shot at with bird poo, they figured out your evil plan!
I see a reenactment of the movie "The Birds" in your future... glad you're all the way over on the other side of Lake Michigan!

Brian o Vretanos said...

Falling birds : Well, at least they won't stick to them.

Poison : Of course, I's already thought of that ;-) Maybe it'll be metabolised, or something. Or maybe it can be posion that only kills pigeons.

The Birds II : That is definitely a possibility. Still, the hero got away in the end. Well, he might have.

Brian o Vretanos said...

I know, what if the street vendors rent out microwave guns? The tourists shoot down the birds with microwaves that won't harm the buildings, and the pigeons fall down ready cooked.

Bee said...

Why did I check your blog right before I went down for breakfast???

Here is my question, would you eat them?

Jean Knee said...

yes we have a big black bird problem where I live. If you shoot off cannons (it's Texas remember) the birds won't nest yadda. Well some tree huggers decided that was cruel and got up some kind of petiton yada yada.
Now those dang birds are every where..disgusting little rodents with wings.

Now that I think about it the whole campaign was probably run by the car washes around here.

pigeons are very similar to doves. my dad hunted dove and my mom cooked them up and they are tasty! m

Brian o Vretanos said...


Not suitable for Breakfast: You should know better!

Pigeon Sandwich:

Not unless it was in a tin...

Brian o Vretanos said...

Jean Knee: Take your gun and get over there - Venice needs you!

Jean Knee said...

I'm a pretty decent shot, actually.
although I've only shot clay pigeons.

Nancy27 said...

I like that whole idea of poisoning the pigeons!!!

Is there something for squirrels??

There's a stupid squirrel that comes to my balcony to eat my plants! My husband thinks I should leave some nuts or something to that the squirrel can eat that and not my plant that was already killed. I told him I would only if they where covered by RAT poison. I'm thinking it should kill a squirrel too right?

Brian o Vretanos said...

Well, according to Mr Lehrer:

So if Sunday you're free, why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

I'm sure it's worth a try...

Nancy27 said...

I don't kill anything on Sundays, that's God's day.

Brian o Vretanos said...

"But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of ... a pigeon!"

Well, I expect it's only Sunday because it fits the music better than Saturday...