Friday, 19 October 2007

It Couldn't Be... ME!

Every week, millions of Brits pay their Pound ($2) for a lottery ticket, with the dream of becoming a millionaire. Of course, it is just a dream. The chance of winning the jackpot is around one in 14 million. Given that you'll win something like £7.5 million, you get a rubbish return on your money, and would be far better off putting it on the horses, or better still playing Blackjack.

As you might be guessing, I don't participate in this folly. There's another very good reason. The prize money just isn't high enough. A one off payment of $15 million just won't get me that luxury lifestyle.

My Shopping List:

  • House: $140 million Bran Castle, otherwise known as Castle Dracula, might be on sale soon - subject to legal wrangling in the Romanian courts. Obviously the only place to live!

  • Yacht: $130 million All right, you can slum it and get one for about $10 million or so, but we need to keep up with the Abramoviches.

  • Jet: $10 million LearJet 45 - an affordable way to travel (according to the advertising literature)

  • Swimming Pool: $1 million For a proper inlaid tiled Olympic-sized pool (landscaping extra). Not that I'm into swimming, but all the women who'll be surrounding me need an excuse to go around in bikinis.

  • Horse: $500,000 For some kind of thoroughbred - Actually, this is an optional extra, but if you really do win $300 million on the horses, you might feel it's only right to give something back...

  • Rolls Royce Seraph: $230,000 Not the most expensive, but possibly the most comfortable.

And of course, I'll need to keep the LearJet and the Rolls in petrol, and employ people. So I'll need several millions a year. I'm not going to see any change from $300 million. It hardly seems worth mentioning the hand-made John Lobb Black calfskin wingtip shoes for $2,692 - we're down to small change now.

Once I'm this rich, I'll also think nothing of buying a decent Malt to drink. The Macallan Fine and Rare 1926 only costs $38,000 a bottle. I'll buy one for each person who comments on this post*

So the lottery's no good. You're better off robbing a bank, and taking the chance on getting caught. Let's face it, most of the other people in the world with this much money have got it by robbery of one sort or another, even if was strictly-speaking legal.

Finally, you might be wondering about the cat. It's an advert for the Japanese lottery. It Could be Mew...

*Subject to me getting my hands on at least $300 million. Terms and conditions apply. Subject to availability. Your bottle may get lost in the post. What do mean, what Terms and Condidions? Obviously ones that will mean that although I'll buy your bottle of whisky, I get to drink it. What are you doing reading the small print anyway? You're not supposed to, you know... That's why it's so small. I'd have made it smaller, but the Blogging Gods wouldn't let me.


Bee said...

Pheeeew! I almost didn't leave a comment cuz I didn't want a bottle of whatsist but then I read the fine print and saw I wouldn't get it anyway!
Yeah, the fine print was big enough to read, THOSE DAMN BLOG GODS!!

Bee said...

Oh yeah, if I were to win the lottery I'd still work at he OHIA (Old Home Insane Asylum).

Brian o Vretanos said...


Well, I'll arrange a substitute - a can of whatever beer you want...

Loterry Win:

You'd be able to set up your own asylum - Castle Dracula would be perfect for that.

Bee said...

So is it per comment or per commentatorsauruses?

Cuz I can comment with the best of them!

Here’s my list:

Miller Lite
Piña Colada Mix (TGI Friday’s)
Slow Gin – and Orange Juice (need them both)
Vodka (can also use it with the OJ)

uh, I think that’s it!


¥ <-- Me standing on my head.

Jean Knee said...

Brian, be careful if you get any milk on that Bran castle it's all cereal from there on.

Also" I don't drink so you can send me a check instead, I wouldn't want to force you to drink a health drink.

Plus I'll come wear a bikini around your pool and you can pay me another 38,000 to put my robe back on.

Bee said...

Wait you said 1 can?
Why 1 can?
If that whisky is so expensive the substitution should equal the same amount, no?

That's what they do at grocery stores.

Don't make me report you to the international trade federation!

Bee said...

Also, I don't like cats.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Dear Sir/Madam Bee,

As a valued customer, you'll be pleased to know that your complaints are currently being processed by our "waste disposal system" - er, I mean our Customer Service Department. We continue to value your custom.

As part of our continuous process of service improvement, we are trialling different kinds of picutre. We're sorry that you didn't like the cat, but our market researhers (who have now been fired) said it would bring us a lot more custom.

Yours Faithfully,

Complaints Dept.

Brian o Vretanos said...


There certainly must be very pricy health drinks - what do film stars have?


Okay, I'll send you 38,000 cans of beer then...

Brian o Vretanos said...


Bran Castle: Funny :-)

Cheque: Now you are having a laugh...

Bikini: Obviously I'll invest in security, and all bikini clad women will be expected to meet stringent criteria before they're allowed on the premises.

Bee said...

Hey! I used to work for the waste dis-uh Customer Service Department!
Our motto was "We're not satisfied until you're not satisfied."

Can I have my 38,000 cans in monthly installments? I wouldn't have room to store so many at one time.

Bee said...

And by store I mean refrigerate.
I know how on your side of the big lake (Lake Michigan to be exact cuz that's the only body of water I acknowledge) you like to drink your alcoholic beverages
::shiver:: warm.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Monthly installments:

okay, how about 1000 a month?


With all the money you'll save on beer, you'll be able to buy some extra fridges.

Warm beer:

We're getting more used to cold drinks here - thankfully!