High Spirits

Picture the scene. A traditional drawing room, lit only by a single candle. The candle is on a circular table, around which are seated four people. A man and woman in their 40s, a younger woman, and a large middle-aged ostentatiously dressed lady.

"Are we ready?" Asks Madame Affrawd. Taking the silence as affirmative, she blows out the candle. There is an atmosphere of tense excitement in the air. Or maybe the brussels sprouts they ate for dinner are repeating on them.

"Hold hands", says Madame A. They do so.

She raises her voice and asks, "Is there anybody there?"

No reply.

"Knock once for yes, twice for no..."

KNOCK!

KNOCK!

One of the ladies gasps.

There is a creaking noise. No-one dares breathe. Some light shines onto the table. The drawing room door slowly opens, and the maid enters. "Excuse me ma'am, I just wondered if you needed anything?"

"I told you we're not to be disturbed!", says Mrs Rogers (the hostess) angrily. "I do apologies, Madame Affrawd, please continue".

They start again.

"Is there anybody there?"

KNOCK!

"O Dear Departed! Speak through your humble servant! Who is it you are looking for?"

Suddenly a trembling disembodied voice rasps: "Archie Rogers!"

"What is it you wish to say to him?"

"I'll be seeing you soon..."

"Em, look..." says Madame A, "Surely you mean that you have a nice message from his mum, or something?"

"No. Tonight he will join me in the hereafter."

"Okay, I can't do this if you're not going to be serious", says Madame Affrawd and stands up. She turns on a light. "Who was making fun of me?"

The others look at one another blankly. "It was a spirit", says Archie, obviously shaken.

"But it can't be!", says Madame A. "There's no such thing, er, I mean... Look I really ought to be going", she says and disappears rapidly.

"Maybe a seance wasn't such a fun idea after all", sighed Mrs Rogers.

"She was a total fraud.", says her husband, regaining his composure.

"Oh Archie, darling, I hope so!" cries his secretary, and then realises what she's said. But it's too late.

"You cheating bastard!" shrieks Mrs Rogers, bringing down the candlestick on her husband's head. A fatal blow.

Later.

In the shadowy world of the afterlife, Archie finds his mate Bill. "I knew it was you! What did you want to do a thing like that for - I had years ahead of me"

"Well, I was getting a bit lonely", rasps Bill (who died young from lung cancer), "and anyway it was only a matter of time before your missus found out. We'll have fun. And, there's plenty of talent here!", he winks.

"Just so long as my wife doesn't get here too soon!", says Archie, and the two pals float off in search of a good time...